Another
example I would like to share here involves myself. I have been a stay at home mom and for much of this time, I know how many times I have been
criticized/judged/perceived in relation to my role of a stay at home mom. The first
point here I’d like to share out is that of being perceived as lazy and doing
nothing because, apparently, caring/looking after a child, children is
perceived as ‘no job, doing nothing’. Some people have gone to the extent of
telling me, ‘but you are a stay at home
mom, what do you do with all your time the whole day?, you should use all that
time to enjoy yourself, have some ‘me’ time, like, to pretty yourself up’, or a
statement like, ‘why do you need help with household or the kids since you are
a stay at home mom, other mothers do everything by themselves’ which is an
obvious way of implying that as a stay at home, I do nothing and hence should
have so much time to do whatever it is that I want which is quite ironic at
times as it has been implied that, I must do everything by myself as a stay at
home mom because I have time (but am lazy). This here is a false perception, an
interpretation of my reality as a stay at home mom that is not based on the
reality of the responsibilities I have every single day of taking care of my
children. In any case here, I would say that, this perception is nothing but
the opposite of what I face/do every single day, I have no time to focus on
other activities that don’t revolve around taking care of my children. I can
create time to fulfill a certain task that is NEEDED but other than that, my
commitment is towards my children, they come first in every decision I make, iv
to make sure that what I say, do, is what’s best for the children and in
actuality, this leaves little room for ‘me time’ as others may perceive.
Another
thing I’d like to point out here is something that my mother shared with me some
time back. She told me, not to be the kind of mother she was towards me/us
towards my children. She mentioned that, I have the opportunity of doing better,
meaning, being there fully for my children and not only this, but also to
educate myself on what it entails to raise a child/children, how who we are
shapes the entirety of who/what the child will live/express/become and
therefore, as a parent I must change who I am within and without to stand
within both word and deed as an example of what’s best for all, and as are
children who
copy everything the parent/adult does, they then can copy/emulate
a living/an expression of themselves in consideration of what’s best for all. I
shall elaborate this point in blogs to come. Surely, the caregivers we were
left under had no clue on how to raise children and so, I’d say, they raised us
the best way they knew how, a way they also were raised by their parents. This
may have been their ‘best’ way of doing it, but what I must elaborate here is
that, most of the childhood memories I have are filled with fear/petrification
of the adults back then, almost, if not all, I learnt was based on fear. My
childhood was quite a tough one, filled with immense physical, mental and
emotional abuse. Who I am today was shaped by going through a lot of abuse, I
do not blame my caregivers/the adults or my mother as they all did not know any
better, this is the only way they knew how to ‘parent’ as what they learnt from
their parents, so how I shaped myself has been coming through now that I am a
parent. This also I shall share in blogs to come and the process I have walked,
still walking to change the patterns that I copied from my caregivers, patterns
that should not be copied by my children and the future generations. So here I stand,
everyday pushing myself to investigate all patterns that I accepted and allowed
to shape who I am today as a parent and change myself by stopping this patterns
and re-creating myself as an
expression that my children can emulate within the principle of what's best for all. So as I grew up, I ‘swore’ to myself that, I never want my children to go through what I went through, I remember saying to myself that, if I don’t have the opportunity of being a stay at home mom, then, I will not consider having children. The reason being, under caregivers, there are just mothering instincts that a caregiver cannot express to another person’s child , there are some parts/needs in a child’s life that only a mother can fulfill and in the best way possible, these needs are mainly dependent on the deep physical connection between a mother and a child. An example would be, when either of my children is sick, mothers do know that, night time is usually the time when sickness skyrockets be it fever, coughing etc., this time, I’m usually fully alert on what’s happening to my child at aphysical level. I wake up often to check on them not because I’m forced to, but because I want to and they need this support. To another, this may be a bother or may not be executed in the best way possible as support for the child. This does not make responsibilities towards my children any more or less than those of an system/office working mom.
So here
really, I find it absolutely unnecessary to judge a mother or condemn her in
how much she participated in her child’s life, rather than judging, condemning,
the approach I would use and have used is to try and understand why a mother
makes the choices she does in regards to her child(ren) and then from there,
assist and support in the ways that I can, this way, as mothers, we would be
much more effective in how we fulfill our responsibilities in regards to our
children without having to bear the burden of harsh judgments/perceptions from
each other which in turn influence the potential of who we can become in terms
of parenting. Wouldn’t it be best for us to stop judging, condemning,
persecuting, diminishing each other’s responsibilities towards our children and
instead focus on understanding each other, the decisions we make and from
within the understanding assist and support each other through ideas,
suggestions etc. on how we can be better/best mothers to our children? This comparison and competition
of stay at home moms and system working moms is completely unnecessary because,
the one who comes/should come first in our decisions is what’s best for our
children and not whose job is more demanding, more valuable or who does more
than the other.
expression that my children can emulate within the principle of what's best for all. So as I grew up, I ‘swore’ to myself that, I never want my children to go through what I went through, I remember saying to myself that, if I don’t have the opportunity of being a stay at home mom, then, I will not consider having children. The reason being, under caregivers, there are just mothering instincts that a caregiver cannot express to another person’s child , there are some parts/needs in a child’s life that only a mother can fulfill and in the best way possible, these needs are mainly dependent on the deep physical connection between a mother and a child. An example would be, when either of my children is sick, mothers do know that, night time is usually the time when sickness skyrockets be it fever, coughing etc., this time, I’m usually fully alert on what’s happening to my child at aphysical level. I wake up often to check on them not because I’m forced to, but because I want to and they need this support. To another, this may be a bother or may not be executed in the best way possible as support for the child. This does not make responsibilities towards my children any more or less than those of an system/office working mom.
So here
really, I find it absolutely unnecessary to judge a mother or condemn her in
how much she participated in her child’s life, rather than judging, condemning,
the approach I would use and have used is to try and understand why a mother
makes the choices she does in regards to her child(ren) and then from there,
assist and support in the ways that I can, this way, as mothers, we would be
much more effective in how we fulfill our responsibilities in regards to our
children without having to bear the burden of harsh judgments/perceptions from
each other which in turn influence the potential of who we can become in terms
of parenting. Wouldn’t it be best for us to stop judging, condemning,
persecuting, diminishing each other’s responsibilities towards our children and
instead focus on understanding each other, the decisions we make and from
within the understanding assist and support each other through ideas,
suggestions etc. on how we can be better/best mothers to our children? This comparison and competition
of stay at home moms and system working moms is completely unnecessary because,
the one who comes/should come first in our decisions is what’s best for our
children and not whose job is more demanding, more valuable or who does more
than the other.
The last
point I would like to share here is in regards to what I recently realized I
have been accepting and allowing that has been sending me into reaction mode
instead of taking responsibility through changing. This in my next blog.
Day 6: STAY AT HOME MOM, SYSTEM WORKING MOM - Part 3
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