WHAT I HAVE LEARNT FROM THE KENYAN POLITICS.

Unmasking my relationship to politics.

In the past couple of days, I have been an emotional wreck in regards to my country’s politics.

I have been see-sawing from positive to negative energies. I feel wronged, betrayed, suppressed, oppressed, neglected, forced to obey, marginalized, hopeless, sad, angry, vengeful. I see the politicians as having elevated themselves into god-like figures that are untouchable meaning, they can basically do whatever they want and get away with it, be it mass murder, grand thefts, corruption, intimidation etc. I see them as people that listen to no one, people that only listen to those that will support their self-interest ways. They are using all and whatever means to be and remain in power at the cost of a deterioration and even loss of life/livelihoods of others. I find them cold and heartless irresponsible humans. All these points have led me to conjuring nasty thoughts backchats within my mind. My mind as the thoughts, backchats, imaginations etc., is/are full of anger, hate, vengeance, rage, spite because I feel so wronged, so taken for granted, so betrayed and inferiorized like I am a nothing, a nobody, worthless, valueless. I feel I have lost, I am on the losing end and want to hate on and segregate those who do not support my political party.

I while back, I was overjoyed, thrilled and euphoric because politically, things had gone the party I supports way. They were happy and rejoiced over the victory and I rejoiced with them. I however within myself knew that, this joy was going to be short-lived because it was not real, at least not for me, for it was part of the feelings I got and get when things go my way. I felt avenged in a way that, now finally, things are looking better for the party I support. Part of me also knew I was playing with fire and yet, I refused to stop myself in participating within the positive energies. I recall very well just how much my body suffered especially my back because of my participation in the generation of immense amounts of positive energies. What I mean by ‘I was playing with fire’ is that, I know already through experience that, after participating in immense positive energy, for this to balance itself out, a time would come when I would be in the opposite end of the see-saw i.e. negative energies/emotions.

And indeed, this day came and because the party I support did not receive what I was expecting, I broke down almost instantly. I went into depression and immense stress that; I was completely unable to function in a normal way. I was so angry and enraged and I kept going online to see if someone could provide me an answer that I would accept as valid for me, there was none, instead, I became even more angry, enraged, depressed and really sad. I know quite well now how depression manifests, stress as well and yet, despite all the warning signs that I was heading down this way, I still did not stop.

My Self-Honesty points.

Where my country is today, was probably inevitable, this being a playout of consequences that were created a long time ago. So, what is my stand within all this? Who am I within all this?

Well, the political situation in Kenya right now is merely a trigger point of all the similar points I see manifest within and as my country as the people’s minds. I am no better than any other person holding anger, resentment, frustration, spite, vengeance, so much HATE and Rage towards those in a political party they do not support and the people within that party i.e. other tribes. Within me exists the truth of me wanting to hate on certain tribes because they support a political party I do not. I have seen and read many tribal hate points online.  What exists now in Kenya is nothing but a playout of what exists in most Kenyans if not all on an individual level but now playing out on a national scale.

HATE is HATE, ANGER is ANGER, RAGE is RAGE, SPITE is SPITE, etc., and these are all forms of ABUSE/Violence that exist within all of us as Kenyans/humanity. That’s why, I can’t and will not sit down and say, I can’t do anything about the political situation in Kenya because here I will be self-dishonest simply because, where we are today as a country/world is as a result of my equal contribution in the Hate, Anger, Rage, Vengeance, Spite, Selfishness, Remorse, the Nasty Thoughts and Backchats/internal conversations, the barbaric imaginations I/we all hoard towards each other or towards people of a certain tribes, the irresponsibility, the fear, the violence, the jealousy and envy I/we hoard towards one another and so much more!

An example I want to share here is how such emotions can wreak havoc in someone’s life using myself as an example. I live outside Kenya, and yet, all the reactions I generated as a result of my believes and perceptions about the Kenyan politics wreaked havoc in the people around me e.g. my children, Partner, colligues. I normally do my best within a day in terms of taking care of my family, working etc. but since the Kenyan election drama, I accepted and allowed myself to get lost within the emotions and I became overly emotional towards my partner and withdrawn from my kids. I withdrew myself from reality and into depression because., for me, I was looking at points of escape and emotions are the best part to escape to where I hide and blame others and everything for my experiences. I was becoming easily angry and irritated at the smallest of things and at one point, I even shouted at my partner who was always there asking me to step out of my reactions and take responsibility and I refused.

So this is what reactions will do if they are not understood and properly directed, they will rain havoc both within and without leading to violent outbursts, mental and physical breakdowns like depression and stress, hopelessness, sadness, losing the will to live, losing focus of making decisions that will support self and others the best way possible and even worse, violence and extreme cases of it.

Now going even deeper in unmasking this point and how it exists within me and how this political situation was just a trigger point for what already exists within me as well as everyone else.

When I look at myself, I like to win, we all do. Winning here would be in anything, an argument, an opinion, a game, presidency etc. why is winning important to me/us? It’s because of the value I have attached to winning in terms of how I feel when I win and how I feel when I lose. So here, winning is nothing but a belief system within my mind, defined by reactions, reactions based on my perceptions, expectations/anticipation of reality and people accepting my way/going my way.

With winning comes a prize as a defined sense of power and control, a superiority which I have defined as me being worthy/valued and therefore superior than others. For example, when others accept my point of view/opinion etc., I feel good about myself, I feel important, special, needed, wanted, appreciated, accepted, superior in the sense that, I have power, the power to be listened to and people accepting my opinions/advice/points of view etc. so here basically, people that like and accept my ideas, opinions, views, perceptions, expectations etc. are to me very important because, without them, I cannot be these things for myself. without them I have no power and control, I have no value since my value and power and control comes from them accepting what I tell them and them being on my side.

We play this game on an individual level every day, so do we have a right to point fingers? Can I sit here and you sit there and honestly say that others are to blame for the way I/you/we are? If I/you/we play this game on a personal level, what makes me/you/we think that, if we had the chance to play it on a bigger scale we wouldn’t do it? How can I/you/we be trusted to run our country together when running our own lives, WE HAVENT GOT A CLUE and even if we did, we still want to run and hide and justify and excuse our individual winning losing battles on a personal level where we get angry because so and so did this to us/me/You?

Going even deeper to unmask this relationship within my mind between me, my mind and my body. So why do I choose to react so much? It’s because I have been believing that, I have the right to react, that reactions are everything that defines me, that power me, that empower me, that add to me value and worth, make me think and believe I am in control of my life and therefore accepted and that, without reactions, I am powerless, abnormal, disempowered, defeated, not in control, rejected, inferior, vulnerable etc. this means to me that, I feel safe, comfortable and completely accepted by my reactions, why?, because within reactions, I can continue justifying and making excuses as to why, others are to blame and not me. I can keep believing that I have power and control, be it positive or negative energy. Meanwhile, I disregard my body, depicted very well when I am depressing and stressed for example, where, I take quite a while before sorting myself out in regards to my emotions, I run and hide in the comfort that comes with emotions, the comfort of power and control, the comfort of not having to lift a finger to actually take responsibility because apparently, others are to blame and not me. Therefore, my body has to take the bigger burden of sorting this mess out all on its own as I hide away within the bliss of my emotions. When my body shows extreme pain and discomfort, then and only then do I actually move to show an ounce of care of which in the actual sense is still based on self-interest and not real self-care because if this care and regard was real, I would have been more responsible in terms of self-introspection and taking self-responsibility and not waiting until things are really bad and there’s pain in order to do so because then, doing so in such a case becomes an act of self-interest.

So now, here I am, with my self-honesty, seeing and realizing that, the political situation in Kenya is not at all to be blamed for my reactions its role was that of triggering reactions/believes/perceptions etc. of points that’s already exists within me that I am angry towards myself about, I am sad, disempowered etc. not because of Jubilee or Nasa, but because of my own inability to stand and direct my life in a way that supports not only me but others as well, to create myself, my life in a way that, when I look at my creation as myself, I can see a reflection that is not based on self-interest but the principle of equality and oneness, the principle of democracy within myself.

I realize that, political parties do not have to define my worth or self-value and if they do, it simply shows that, I have not, understood, created and lived self-value/self-worth for myself first, it shows that, I do not value nor regard myself, I have not yet created and lived the meaning of self-worth, hence through not having these points existent within me, means I will always yearn and thirst for them outside of myself by doing anything and everything in my power to have others give the value and worth to me through actually playing very well calculated manipulative games i.e. self-politics.

I realize that, me feeling marginalized, oppressed, abused, misused, cheated disregarded etc. is actually me showing myself that, I am marginalizing myself, oppressing myself, misusing myself, cheating myself, disregarding myself etc. within myself within and as the very relationship I have towards my mind and yet, I choose to completely ignore this about myself, I instead participate within and as my mental illusions by joining forces with my mind and oppressing my body, making me the very manifestation of all the things I am busy blaming the politicians for. I am the ‘president’ within myself and yet, all I have done is allow my mind to run rampant and oppress, disregard, disrespect, abuse and misuse the body etc. while I too take part within this abuse towards my body. Same exact things our politicians represent, they are playing the very roles we play in our everyday life but just that, they are currently on the spotlight. Let’s not forget that we are our own spotlight. Our politicians are a real representation of who we all are on an individual level. We are all power/energy hungry beasts who will stop at nothing to get what we want in order to feel powerful, superior, recognized, accepted, to feel good etc. even if it means that others have to lose their lives/livelihoods, exactly what we do towards our bodies everyday as we shift between positive and negative energies and all that’s in-between.

I realize that, the events unfolding in Kenya politically are consequences of our past MISS-takes, Mistakes that I am equally responsible for creating, we all are. But we have an opportunity to learn from the MISS-takes through understanding of self first where each takes a moment and reflects on the truth of self and each realizes that, each has a given PRESENT opportunity to TAKE RESPONSE-ABILITY onto each’s own hands and make decision that are not based on self-interest but based on what’s best for all. what’s best for all is best for self. Buts it’s not always what’s best for self means its what’s best for all. Be honest with yourself, change must be who you are, not what you believe.

In as much as it seems terrible and twisted, I am grateful to both Jubilee and NASA, for they have been my gift in disguise, they have triggered me to see my relationship towards myself and politics and a chance to actually correct it. They have supported me to see and realize that, they are not the problem, I am, I have been all along and the beauty of this realization is that, I can and will me my own solution first, before we even get to bigger solutions. So, a question to all Kenyans, how has the political situation in Kenya of late supported you to shape/change you? Are you/have you learnt something about yourself that can support you to create a better version of you or are you still holding on to the politics out there and forgetting all about the politics within you? It is within all of us that politics are born, shaped and brought to life as what we see today. So for us to change out outer politics, we much get to see, know, realize and understand our inner politics and how it creates our outer politics.

Day 11 - CHILDHOOD, MY STORY - The 'Big' Memory, Part 2, FORGIVENESS

THE FOLLOWING SERIES OF BLOGS I AM ABOUT TO SHARE IS IN NO WAY INTENDED TO SPEW REACTIONS OR POINT BLAME TO THE ADULTS I INTERRACTED WITH DURING MY CHILDHOOD BE IT MY CAREGIVERS, TEACHERS OR ANY OTHER ADULT BACK THEN.

FORGIVENESS FOR WHAT OPENED UP WITHIN THIS MEMORY.

The points I just shared in my previous blog are based on what I consider as ONE memory. I refer to it as one memory or the main memory but there are many more memories contained within this main memory. I refer to it as the main memory because, I experienced it in my childhood ever and over again the same way, i.e., the playout of the abuse was the similar most of the time even though the scenarios or circumstances were different. The adult’s behaviors were very similar and their words too were almost the same, day in day out and this is why I see it as one memory even though there are lots of memories within it.

I shall walk self-forgiveness for the reactions and mental points that opened up within the initial writing of this memory and from there, continue with sharing other memories that stand out in my entire childhood after which I shall share, how all these memories as the abuse/fear contained within them shaped who I am today as an adult and why I have come to realize that, the initial first 7 years of a child’s life are crucial in shaping the child’s adulthood years and therefore very important to ensure that we as parents, teachers, caregivers really support children to become the best they can be by ending the cycles of the sins of our fathers.

 

FORGIVENESS for THE ABUSE.

The one that abused me: here I refer to, my parents, aunties, uncles, grandparents, teachers as well as all the other adults that directly or indirectly abused me. The abuse here would be: physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse as well as verbal abuse. These were the 3 main forms of abuse that I faced almost every single day in my childhood.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing the point abuse to exist within and as themselves.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves to belief that, abusing a chi8ld/children is a normal way of treating a child.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves get trapped within their mental belief systems and programs the lead them to abusing me or other children.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves to never question their beliefs or actions towards me and other children in regards to abuse.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting allowing themselves to belief that, abusing a child is the best way to teach them/discipline them.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves to never try to find other solutions/ways to discipline me or other children, ways that did not involve abuse and violence.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves to not see, realize and understand that, all the abuse they lived out towards me and other children never solved anything but rather created immense fear within me as well as within other children.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves not to see realize and understand that, their abuse towards me and other children was as a result of them being abused as children as well and that, none of them ever stopped to question this abuse and find better ways of relating to children, ways that do not involve abuse and violence.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves to verbally abuse me and other kids by using words in an abusive way. From within this, I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves not to see and realize that, when they abused children using words, this just showed the extent of their nature as who they are as abusers and from within this, I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves not to see, realize and understand that, they already copied and accepted the abuse of words onto themselves and that projected their self-abuse to me and other children.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves to abuse themselves, then project their self-abuse onto us children.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves to accept the sins of our fathers as normal and thus became and lived as these sins all the while, never stopping to question this cycle of the sins of our fathers and what we can do to stop it on an individual and collective level.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves to physically abuse me and other children so extensively that I was at times hospitalized. From within this, forgive the one that abused me for not seeing realizing and understanding the extent to which physical abuse petrified me and the consequences thereof.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves to belief that, when I feared them or when other children feared them, it was a symbol of respect for them as adults.

I forgive the one that abused me for accepting and allowing themselves not to see, realize or understand that, as a child, I did not really fear them as adults, but I feared who they were as adults and what they were capable of doing to me as who they were as human beings/adults.

Commitment statements

I commit myself to assist and support myself to learn from the abuse I went through from those that abused me and put a stop/an end of such cycles of abuse towards children or others.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to step out and beyond the veil of blaming those that abused me/other children by playing VICTIM OF ABUSE for I realize that, playing victim is based on self-interest and will not assist and support me nor others in walking the process of bringing an end to abuse.

I commit myself to assist and support others through my writing as the sharing of my story of abuse and how it shaped who I am today as an adult/as a parent and how I came to realize that, any form of abuse towards children is actually a reflection of abuse that we are already constantly and continuously going through within ourselves and that is in one way or another related to our childhood experiences in regards to being abused in one way or the other , and when we abuse children in any way, it is a projection of this self-abuse and that this is how we keep the cycle of abuse alive.

I forgive the teachers for accepting and allowing themselves to cane me and other children so bad that we bled.

I forgive the teachers for accepting and allowing themselves to participate within their yelling, screaming and shouting in anger at me and other children.

I forgive the teachers for accepting and allowing themselves to exert verbal and emotional abuse towards me and other children.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to show and prove to myself as well as others that, abuse can be stopped and that, abuse is not a NORMAL part of life.

Day 10: CHILDHOOD, MY STORY Pt. 1 - 'The Big' Memory

THE FOLLOWING SERIES OF BLOGS I AM ABOUT TO SHARE IS IN NO WAY INTENDED TO SPEW REACTIONS OR POINT BLAME TO THE ADULTS I INTERRACTED WITH DURING MY CHILDHOOD BE IT MY CAREGIVERS, TEACHERS OR ANY OTHER ADULT BACK THEN. WHEN I LOOK BACK AT MY CHILDHOOD AND WHAT I WENT THROUGH, IN HONESTY, IT IS SOMETHING THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE WISHED TO GO THROUGH, BUT IN SELF-HONESTY, I AM GREATFUL THAT, I WENT THROUGH SUCH A LIFE AND MADE IT OUT ‘ALIVE’ AND HERE TO SHARE THIS PART OF ME ON HOW I TOOK, STILL TAKING RESAPNSIBILITY FOR MYSELF BY INVESTIGATING EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO SHOW AND PROVE TO MYSELF AND OTHERS THE IMPORTANCE OF WHY SUCH A WAY OF  RELATING TO CHILDREN WAS AND IS NOT WHAT WAS BEST FOR ALL AND THEREFORE SHOULD SIMPLY BE UNNACCEPTABLE WAY OF LIVING/EXISTING/CO-EXISTING AND RELATING TO CHILDREN AND THAT, ALL OF US ON AN INDIVIDUAL AND COLLECTIVE LEVEL ACTUALLY CAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHO WE ARE, HAVE BECOME AS A RESULT OF OUR UPBRINGING AND FROM HERE RE-CREATE OURSELVES INTO HUMANS OF INTERGRITY THAT VALUE AND UPHOLD LIFE ABOVE ALL ELSE. SO HERE, I WILL TAKE MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES OF WHAT I FACED DURING THAT TIME AND INVESTIGATE IT, SEE MY RELATIOSHIPS TO IT, APPLY SELF-FORGIVENESSAND RECREATE MYSELF THROUGH COMMITMENT STATEMENTS THAT I SHALL LIVE TO BECOME THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE.

For a while now, I had been pondering on how exactly I was going to face this point of childhood memory(ies). I have kept on suppressing this point or walked only ‘surface’ dimensions of it, all the while approaching it from a starting point of separation meaning, within my mind, I kept on seeing this memory(ies) as too big for me to handle/face, to challenging or complicated or overwhelming. All these are the 3 excuses I made up in my mind in regards to this memory(ies) because, it is from this memory(ies) that I have come to exist as who I exist within and as today, this memory(ies) has infiltrated almost if not all of what/who I have defined myself as today, it has infiltrated so much into my physical living that, my actions became so automated that I came to accept as a ‘normal’ part of who I am until I began questioning all my experiences as shown by my mind and body and with the help/assistance and support of the desteni tools, I could see clearly that I am actually more than capable to standing as a point of self-responsibility and face these memories and correct myself through my living as the application of myself/movement of myself within my physical reality in order to impart change that will bear only the best outcome. I have come to realize and understand that, real change is not a mental process, it is a physical process within space and time as the constant and continuous process of living a change as self, moment to moment until it is done. So I shall share here how I have walked some process and still walking other processes in regards to my childhood and how it shaped my life today as a human being, but most importantly, AS A PARENT.

WRTTING OUT THE 'BIG/ONE' MEMORY

As far back as I can remember, most of my childhood was filled with a lot of physical, mental/emotional and verbal abuse some more extensive than others. I am sure that, most of us humans, our childhood is marked by one or more forms of abuse from the adults that meant to be our source of care and security. I do not know the stories of everyone else. What I do know is my story and here I am going to share/walk this point/story/ memory(ies) in self-honesty and really take responsibility for what I accepted and allowed myself to become as a result of these memory(ies) and from here, walk the correction in my living, moment to moment until it is done. I am doing this for me because I am and want to live change I want to see, because I also want to ensure that, my children learn from me through me living as an example which is a point of showing that I never had the privilege of receiving as a child.

so here I shall share the extent of this fear in my life. But first, I am going to write about how I came about creating this fear/petrification within myself and why.

Just to stress this point I AM THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FEARS BECAUSE THEY EXIST WITHIN ME, AS ME NOW. This is to show that I HOLD NO BLAME, ANGER, REVENGE, REMORSE or any other REACTIONS towards all the adults in my childhood that may have directly or indirectly contributed to my childhood experience(s). I am taking responsibility for my part as should everyone else as what one accept and allow because this is how we create who we are or have come to be. Also PLEASE, do not REACT to what I am sharing because, reactions I have come to realize and understand always veil the point of being responsible for oneself i.e., reactions indicate a point of BLAME and as long as one BLAMES, one will never step beyond the point of blame and see how actually one is the only one responsible for everything about who one exists within and as today and unless one lets go of the point of blame, one can never change for REAL, as one CANNOT SEE change and this is why our world without is a picture perfect representation of THE SUFFERING  that is going on within us, a world we keep escaping through blaming other for what’s going on with us.

So, I had quite a violent childhood, what I mean by this is that, in as far back as I can remember, the adult’s relationship towards me and my brethren (but ill focus on me for now) was that of violence. This may get graphic as I share so please no reactions, no blame, only learning, lol. I faced beatings that once got me hospitalized for many days. Within this memory, most of my days were filled with some kind of abuse, either mental/emotional, verbal or physical abuse and mostly it was all of them in a day.

My parent separated when I was quite young, maybe around 3-4 years old and my mother had to go away in another country to study as she then became the sole provider of our needs. So, she left us with other care givers that were mostly never kind to us. The schools I attended in those early years, physical abuse of all children was like the highest and best form of punishment. Not matter how small or big the ‘mistake’ was, the abuse would at times be just barbaric and this was not only physical abuse through caning, but verbal abuse was rained down on me or the child to emotionally tear the me or another child apart in fear as the I/child was being caned. This was considered normal. But how? Why? Ill open this up as I continue sharing.

The only time I remember sharing and expressing myself fully was only when I was playing with other kids in an environment where there was no adult at ALL! why? Because I created an extreme fear/petrification towards adults. To an adult, I never really met one that was genuine within themselves and even if they were being nice at times, it was always out of self-interest. To the eyes of an adult, I never did anything ‘right’, to them I knew nothing, I was a no body, I was only a trouble maker just like every other child. Everything I did, I was told not to because it was wrong and how I was told not to do it was in some form of abuse, no one ever really went to the extent of really showing me anything. At school, the teachers just taught us the curriculum and if one would be slow in ‘learning’, well, the child would be abused mostly physically. Here are some of the ways physical abuse was conducted:

·         Caning on the palms of the hand with a really strong hard wooden stick.

·         Caning on the back of the fingers with the same stick, here the fingers and palms of the hand would swell really bad and of course be in excruciating pain but it did not matter to the teachers, I/one was still expected to write through all the pain and agony and if not, more caning

·         Caning on calf muscles of the legs at times until they bled, this left marks/scars that took a long time to heal.

·         Caning on the soles of the feet and this would lead to difficulties in walking because of the excruciating pain but either way, I/one couldn’t just lie there, I/one had to walk or else, more caning.

·         Caning on the back and this for me was one of the most painful and most sensitive area of my body to cane as well as caning the back of the fingers and knuckles. (within this point comes a lot of sadness that bring tears to my eyes)

·         Caning the lower back and buttocks too was the most common form of caning.

·         Caning the thighs and this area being so sensitive, most of the time I ended up bleeding which left some scarring or rather marks that did fade slowly over time.

·         Being punched or slapped on the face or anywhere else on the body

·         pushing,

·         pinching and biting as there was one specific adult that would bite me or other children to the point of always leaving torn skin and teeth marks.

·         hitting

·         violent shakes

·         being beaten by a hose pipe

·         being punched

·         and there were times when the adult(s) would get fully possessed by an emotion especially anger and would just randomly kick, slap, cane, hit, pinch, punch, shake, push back and forth or up and down freely or against something and these blows would be directed anywhere on the body! Here, there was no telling when this would end or stop, there was not telling how hard the next blow or punch or whatever would be and where. This to drove me into total petrification, I was so afraid at times that I peed myself. It was equally agonizing to watch this happen to another child, and even worse, was when we as children would be forcefully asked to physically cane each other and within this, use all our force towards the other child or else, the adult would take over and rain their terror on the child that would not forcefully abuse the other through caning.

As I allow this memory to come up within me, with it comes a lot of pain, I cry, I cry so much, there is so much pain and sadness, so much fear and petrification, so much anger within the adults faces and body, I felt disrespected, disregarded, hopelessness, a giving up on MYself, a total surrender to abuse and the fear thereof, I felt like a reject, a nobody, useless, as the verbal abuse ensured of this. I knew of no other life. I always wondered why this was happening, why this was considered ‘normal’. A part of me did not want to be a child any more, I wanted to be seen and referred to as an adult but this was just wish thinking.

I had to stop and take a break from writing because, suddenly, I felt like my mind/head region was going to explode due to so much pressure building up there and then followed by a nasty headache. I was shivering and shaking/trembling, my heart beat was racing, I was sweating at the same time feeling really cold/chills running all over my body, I was a bit dizzy and disoriented, I became agitated and jumpy. This cold chills, shaking and trembling all over my body was because of the immense fear that was contained in this memory, and here is when I realized that, I was actually so afraid of these memories because of this very fear contained in them ie I had fear toward my fear of being abused and thus, why I preferred to suppress and resist this memory plus many points in in my life.

I could see anger within this memory that came up when I asked myself ‘why do these people just never stop abusing me/other children?’ the backchats I could see like to them, I am invisible, a nobody, a nothing, useless, non-existent and that is why I am being abused also contained lots of anger. More anger also came about when this backchat (which I shall explore more in future blogs) ‘to them (the adults) I can never do anything right, everything I do is wrong and therefore, punishable through physical abuse, and I always asked, why won’t anyone show me then what is right?  Soon after, a flood of sadness followed and I felt the urge to not talk to anyone, I just wanted to be left alone and immerse myself in this sadness. For a moment there, I wanted to get lost within this sadness because it felt ‘comforting’ embracing in a way, like I just want to shut down the world around me and just be sad because for a moment there, it seemed like there was nothing to live for and everything felt better within my sadness. Within this sadness, I saw backchats like, this will never stop, everyone is just so mean hence, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to be left alone, I wish someone would defend me/be on my side for once. What I also see within this sadness is the fear that this abuse will never end meaning, I felt really sad that I had to live in so much fear all the time.

Within this memory also exists the point of blame where, I blamed others for abusing me in many ways. At this point in time, I just did not understand why myself and other children would be subjected to such torture and because it happened to me as well as every other child I knew, I presumed it was ‘NORMAL’, that this was the only way children ought to be treated which is a point I shall expand on in future blogs, because it turns out, the ‘abusers’ knew no better either and the copied this behavior from their abusers i.e., this kind of abuse is very common amongst African parents because it has been passed on from generation to generation and it has become a ‘NORMAL’ to abuse children.

Also, the ones that abused me were most of the time very angry people, easily irritated and frustrated by whatever I did. They always yelled and screamed at me to stop doing whatever they perceived was wrong according to them, none of them ever showed me another way, a better way. I was only asked to stop but was never told why I should stop and then offered an alternative on how I can do it better. How it played out was, when I did something that was perceived as wrong, first was the yelling of the words STOP/STOP THAT NONSENSE! Or WHAT ARE YOU DOING/WHAT HAVE YOU DONE followed by some form of verbally abusive words like YOU STURBBON CHILD, YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME, YOU ARE STUPID, YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT, YOU ARE NOTHING, I WISH YOU WOULD DIE, YOU ASS HOLE, YOU DOG, I WILL BEAT YOU INTIL YOU DIE, YOU COME FROM A COMMUNITY OF THIEVES SO YOU ARE A THIEF TOO, YOU PROSTITUTE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER (my mother was not a prostitute as I know her), YOU ARE A DEVIL, YOU ARE A DEMON, YOU ARE SO UGLY, I HATE YOU. These words were spoken with a lot of anger, irritation, frustration, hate, remorse which were geared to instill fear and this is the emotional abuse part after which came the physical abuse the extent to which depended on the extent of the adult’s mental experience, meaning, if they were really angry, the physical abuse would be really bad and mild Anger, they it would settle for pinching or slapping or pushing, shaking or threatening while doing one of these physical actions of 'mild abuse'.

 

Next blog, Day 11. FORGIVENESS. 

 

Day 9: BEDTIME, Stress-express or Decision-Express

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat ‘’it’s time to sleep now, I will not play this hanky punky games with you’’ to exist within and as me especially in the evenings before the kids go to bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations within my mind on how bed time for my kids should be like i.e., I want to take them to bed, give them a hug and a kiss and they go under the covers and sleep without jumping out or wanting to play or come to my bed etc., what really happens is the opposite of my expectation whereby, one of my kids jumps out of her bed soon after I put her down while I tend to the other one, I put her back to bed and she jumps out again, sometimes, they both want to run around and play with their shadows, other times, one of them simply want to hug me and be in my arms and kiss me and talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my children like resisting bedtime and from this thought, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to force them to go to bed and sleep not seeing and realizing that, bedtime is a process that follows a series of moment to moment events that lead to bed time and instead of thinking and imposing, I should teach my children to make bedtime a decision by actually walking this process with them in real time, teach them and show them that it is bed time and not make assumptions that they know and therefore expect them to comply because them knowing is again another one of my expectations, I should directing each moment as it unfolds ensuring that, who I am within myself is stable, calm, quiet and really here with myself as well as with them until the moment when they are comfortable in their beds.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see just how my reality with my children cannot and does not fit within my expectation, in fact it’s the exact opposite.

From within this backchat and expectation, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in irritation and anger when the kids did not meet my expectation of making bedtime ‘smooth’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the expectation of my kids going to bed on time without resisting exist within and as me, from within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my children to go to bed when I want them to and expect that they should not resist and when they resist, I react in anger and irritation.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to direct these bed time moments every evening instead of suppressing my reactions towards the bedtime routine.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that, my daughters just want to spend a little more intimate time with me in bed before they go to sleep and that, there is nothing good or bad about them wanting to spend some time with me and therefore, my reactions usually lead me to pushing them away by wanting them already in their bed positions and already begin to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilt  that I am a bad mother when I push my kids away when they just want to spend some time with me before bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from within anger, raise my voice and yell at my kids so they can stop moving and go to bed on time.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that, in the evenings when I am tired and my partner is equally tired, I tend to easily react in irritation and anger which I suppress and when I face this same point every evening, I just end up accumulating a lot of emotions towards bedtime from within which I go into and anger outburst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use being tired as an excuse to rush within myself and therefore end up wanting to rush everything and everyone to go be quiet by sleeping so I can rest and bring the rush to an end.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, when I rush within myself, I actually end up creating a state of stress within me within my body and from within this state, I tend to rush while doing things within my reality like taking the kids to bed and I know very well that, when I rush, I always tend to miss many physical reality point and thus, I do not consider all points equally, I don’t consider everyone especially my children and what they really need in terms of assistance and support before bed and when I miss all these points, I miss myself and the opportunity to make a decision from the starting point of what’s best for all is also missed and therefore, I just create a series of unpleasant living experiences for myself and my family and this is simply unacceptable from me.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when and as I see myself about to react in anger because my kids won’t go to bed as I expect them to, I shall stop and breath and will not allow myself to participate within the anger for I see and realize that, when I am reacting in anger, I go completely blind from what is really happening right in front of me within my physical reality, as well as I go blind on what is really happening within me that lead me to reacting in anger in the first place and take responsibility for it because reactions like anger are always a result of much more happening within my mind that I have not brought my awareness and attention to. herein, i commit myself to investigate within myself by bringing my awareness out of anger , stepping back and investigating what mind processes I have bees accepting and allowing my participation that lead to my reaction and take responsibility for these process, be it thoughts, backchats, expectations, imaginations, etc., apply self-forgiveness and commit myself to stop and change these points within me.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when and as I see myself about to create expectations within my mind of having my kids go to bed smoothly without any resistance or without them wanting to jump around and play, I shall stop and breath and will not allow myself to participate within such expectations for I see and realize that, these expectations are not based on physical reality, they are my mental reality and therefore are not real and when I impose/project my mental illusions in the form of expectations onto physical reality, I simply end up creating conflicts within and without that in the end create an a living moment that is not based on what’s best for all, because then, I only see my expectations and move from within the starting point of these expectations and here, I can’t give myself the space to see what’s really real, because, what is really real and needed my directive principle is seeing that my kids were busy moving in all sorts of directions except their beds, they wanted to spend time with me, play with me, hug and kiss me like they sometimes do before bed, and as directive principle, I would have allowed this and if not, I assist and support my children to go to bed without exerting my anger and irritation onto them and forcing them to go to sleep.

I see that, before bed, Crystal loves to hug me, and kiss me, and touch me and above all, simply talk to me while in my arms, she really does enjoy this every single evening and I see that, when I am tired, I tend to want to move fast within myself and hence without inti my without where, I want fast results i.e., putting the kids to bed fast and them sleeping fast so I can sleep as well, but it is obvious that, this fast movement is my mental pace, my physical reality pace with the kids is much slower and requires me to consider my children’s needs as well as my needs and fulfill all the needs the best way possible. I also see that, I always do enjoy spending ‘quiet’ time with my kids before bed and this quiet time goes out the window when my partner and I are tired from a busy day. I also see that, being tired from having had a busy day is absolutely no excuse to not remain calm, stable and quiet within myself while directing my reality.

Therefore, I commit myself to assist and support myself to move even slower in the evenings when I am physically tired, to remain within the quiet and calmness and stability of myself, my breathing, my body and from here, also assist and support my kids to also slow down, calm down before they go to bed.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to embrace the evening moments before bed as they come, to not create any expectations, to simply move moment by moment, one breath at a time, really be with myself and my kids, hug Crystal, embrace her in my arms, share the hugs and kisses and the talks, sooth her with my voice, my words and myself, really be tHERE with her, for her, as her and finally put her to bed, because I see that, each time I do this, she always goes to bed without resisting, bedtime becomes a decision she makes and not an imposition from me and actually this usually doesn’t take too much time as I perceived in my expectation.

I commit myself to assist and support my myself and my partner by coming up with an agreement on how we can assist and support our kids together before bedtime by stopping the excuse of ‘we are both so tired’ from within which we both end up reacting, fact is, despite our tiredness, we must find a way to take responsibility for our children before and during bed time, by really giving them some time and attention that will assist and support them to transition to bed easily.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to when and as I see myself about to rush within myself to fulfill certain tasks like putting the kids to bed so I can rest, I shall stop and breath and will not allow myself to participate within the rush and will investigate the energies that are present within my body from within which I create the rushing state within and without myself, apply self-forgiveness and let go of the energies for I realize that, rushing is a state of mind that I participate within and as especially during the moments when I am tired, I also realize that, when I rush, I only create strain/stress within my body which is already tired and  here, I compromise the opportunity of assisting and supporting my body in equality and oneness to be in a calm, quiet and stable state of being even while I move and fulfill my physical activities, I also realize that, in the moments when I feel physically very tired, to really breath and slow down, to physically move even slower, for I have noticed that, when I move this slow, I actually enter into an alignment with the movement of myself within and as my body and this movement eliminates any extra stress/strain for my body and actually support my body to rest better than when I rush within and without.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to when and as I see myself about to react in guilt after I have done something to my kids that I perceive as wrong, I shall stop and breath and will not allow myself to participate within the guilt for I realize that, when I go into guilt, it is out of self-judgment that I am a bad mother and as long as I judge myself and remain in guilt, I cannot the mind programs that led to the point of self-judgment and guilt and as long as I cannot see these mind constructs, I cannot take full responsibility for them, stop them and change them/change who I am within them and thus, my physical reality will not change either, therefore, I commit myself to assist and support myself to investigate what it is that I am accepting and allowing to define who I am instead of defining who I am in every moment of breath within the principle of equality and oneness as what’s best for all.

I commit myself to teach and show my children slowly but surely that, bedtime is a decision they can learn to make and not something I impose onto them out of my very own reactions.

Day 8: UNPREDICTABILITY - When Anticipation Meets the Physical.

On this day, I went out with the kids to fly a kite. Flying a kite is an activity I did a long time ago and just once. Back then, we made our own Kites. On a windy day, flying a kite can be really enjoyable and I wanted to share kite flying with my kids, only thing was, this day was not that windy as I had anticipated it to be.

I prepared the kids and of we went to the field, it was mildly windy. in my mind, I had created a future projection to the actual moment when I would fly the kite. I imagined how nice it was going to be, all the 3 of us running around and the kite flying high, all of us immersed in laughter as we ran with each other, after each other, after the kite etc. Once we arrived at the field which was large enough for us to fly kites, I quickly did the kite set up and had the kite ready within a short time.

A long time ago, the memory I had of flying a kite was by running really fast and this was have the kite fly high. back then it did. The kite I used was not really the best quality and so, I really do not have a reference point in my mind of what a good quality kite should look like, be like. When I shopped for this particular one we were to use on this particular day, the only aspect I considered was the cost. I went for the cheapest option available. and so I assumed, it would fly equally well.

as soon as I was ready with the kite, I held the string at the handle and began to run really fast, well, contrary to my imagination, the kite just dragged on the ground and managed to barely get off the ground. I kept running thinking it would fly higher, well, it did not. By this time, Crystal had already been really wanting to fly the kite and I did not really allow her because I wanted to fist show her how its done, her begging soon turned into crying and screaming for the kite. So I let her have it and asked her to run as fast as she could to fly the kite.

To my daughter, this was her first time to touch, see, explore a kite. she couldn't wait any longer to delve right into the 'mystery' that is a kite and she did. At first, she ran like I did, but her hand coordination was not really aligned with kite flying, I must say, neither were mine because, we both had no clue on how to best do it except by running fast which did not work. as she dragged the kite along with her as she ran, the string kept on tangling. By the time she came back to me, the string was all over and around her little body, it was more like, a string tangling adventure rather than a kite flying one. I had previously asked if she could give me the kite back so I could show her how its done and she completely refused. When I saw that the kite was  not flying with her at all, I began to feel frustrated and angry. when she refused my help, I was really irritated, frustrated and angry. I was frustrated that, the whole kiting thing was not turning out as I had expected. Soon after, the little one, my youngest, joined us and nothing fascinated her more than the long string on the kite. what I noticed is how she really went for the tangling experience within it where I saw her simply tangling her feet, hands, fingers, body etc. At this moment, I was even more frustrated and irritated because not, I was not kiting anymore but busy detangling string from the kids, from my stance, the whole experience was unpleasant/awful.

It was no where near or close to what my imagination had conjured up in my head. It was the actual opposite. The moments unfolded before me in almost the exact opposite of what I had imagined it would be. The field was mildly windy, the kite was poor quality, running is not really the only way to fly a kite, the kite dint take off/fly, I wanted the string a certain length - the kids wanted to undo the whole string and they did, I wanted to show crystal how its done by first learning quickly how to do it, I did not really learn and crystal did not allow me to show her, she wanted to explore it her own way, without PRESSURE from me to do it the 'right' way, I preferred having the string neat - I had to deal with a tangling and de-tangling mess, I wanted my children to listen to me and stop and follow my lead on kite flying - they wanted to explore this kiting thing their own way, I imagined we would have fun, run around laughing, all of us enjoying the kite and each other - I 'killed' the enjoyment by going into reactions of anger, frustration and irritation all because, the kiting thing dint go as well as I anticipated and the kids dint really make it easier with the string and crying and screaming. so I decided, I had had enough and I packed everything, strapped the kids on the stroller and left the field.

As I walked back home, I could see within myself how I had created the experience of myself within myself where by I ended up destroying all the opportunities I was presented with within kiting to enjoy myself and the children, to learn. here is how: the moment I went into Imagination and from within it projected myself into the future where I saw myself in the field enjoying kiting, this is the very moment where I separated myself from reality as my physical body and everything physical around me. I separated myself into my minds imaginations and became excited of an event that had not even happened, an event that was not real, it was an illusion I created in my mind of what reality would be like, and thus the actual separation of myself from my reality happened here in this very moment. Flying high in the realms of my imagination, completely detaching myself from physical reality, I did not consider the reality of flying a kite for the first time and with 2 babies. I did not equip myself with sufficient information on how to fly a kite through looking it up online and from here, expand my awareness and skills on all the possible considerations and outcomes of flying a kite which I would then apply in real-time in physical reality. Instead of doing all this, I just delved into an imaginary kite flying experience in my mind and went with it and when my imagination encountered physical reality, my oh my, did these 2 worlds collide. The experience of myself changed, I mean, it had to change because, my starting point was from separation all along and so I had to land back into reality but after such a turmoil within myself that included reactions of anger, irritation and frustration was all lead to an unpleasant experience of myself which was not enjoyable at all, my children did not enjoy me like this, nor could they enjoy themselves fully because I was all the time trying to manipulate how they should explore their reality which was from my starting point and they simply did not 'follow' my lead because for sure they must have seen, I was already so very lost, I did not know what I was doing, and above all, I was not HERE with them. That, it was actually I who needed to follow their lead because, they were simply HERE, rolling with the moment which included tangling and detangling themselves within the kite string and they did not react because this was happening, to them it was so fascinating.

I did Self forgiveness and some of the realizations that came through were:

I realized that, when my minds imaginations encountered the unpredictable nature of the physical reality, chaos set in within me because, I did not stand as the stability of myself within my physical body as I separated myself into my mind as imagination and thus I was not really here/equal and one with the physical to direct the unpredictable physical reality moments from within this stability, but I rather reacted to these unpredictable moments and from within these reactions, I further separated myself from what was really physically happening right in front of me, I could not see, my starting point was that of separation, I held on to my imagination, and the more I held on to it, the less and less I could embrace and roll with and enjoy the unpredictability of the physical and learn more about my physical self from it instead of reacting to it. And so here, I greatly diminished myself as the potential I would have become and lived/stood within and as to show my children through example on how to really be HERE as directive principle of ones life within the unpredictable nature of the physical reality so as to always ensure that, the outcome of IT ALL is what's best for all, nothing more, nothing less. This is the principle of equality and oneness as LIFE living HERE, making what's best for all an actual real livable measurable quantifiable reality in the physical/our world.

I realized that, because children are more aligned to/with and as the physical, they don't usually react to the physical, while observing my children in this moment, I could see that, they were not really bothered by whether the kite flew or not, whether they were tangled or not tangled in the kite string, whether it was a string mess or not. To them, dragging the kite on the ground was all there was to it in that moment, tangling and de-tangling themselves in the string was really no big deal to them, that was all there was to it. I did not see them yelling and screaming at each other for not having the kite flying or for being tangled within the kite string. The one that was busy teaching them to react to this given physical reality moment was myself. At this moment, I did not stand equal and one to the physical reality in this moment, equal and one with the entire activity or with them leave alone myself and because I was so separate, all I could teach them was based on separation of right and wrong for example, I stood as the reactions of anger, frustration and irritation towards that given reality and so I was literally teaching them that, when things don't work out in reality, that we should react and not find other ways, other solutions, we should blame the kite or the weather or each other and not take self responsibility and become directive principle of every single unpredictable physical moment and created a solution that when applied will created an outcome of what's best for all, nothing more, nothing less.

I realized that with children, one can not really anticipate or desire a certain outcome wile working with physical reality and children. This is because, children at such an early age are usually always moving, touching, exploring anything and everything physical and as a parent, my role is not to project my perceptions, judgments, anticipations, desires of a particular outcome on to them but rather to simply guide them through it all especially in terms of what can physically dangerous to them. Ironically, at the moment, my children are playing my 'role' where they sort of are the parent and I the child, because, I as the parent have separated myself from physical reality by creating all these perceptions, judgments, beliefs, desires, anticipations of a certain outcome etc. which is not only a form of self limitation but also a manipulative and spiteful way of existing if we look at it really where we project our limited separate reality as for example an imagination or a desire to manipulate reality and everything and everyone in it so as to have an outcome that is only best for me/self, to glorify self, make only self happy at the expense of countless suffering, make self seem more/important/superior/special etc. which is the main reason why our world is so messed up today because we are all separate from physical reality and locked ourselves into the bubble of our minds perceptions, judgments, beliefs, desire, anticipations, fears etc. Having observed my children, they do not live nor express themselves from within the starting point of separation, I as a parent do and this is why I must change my starting point from that of separation to that of equality and oneness so I stand as an example for my children to learn from and keep expressing themselves from within the starting point of equality and oneness as what's best for all, children are indeed Innocent/pure/harmless so to speak, until we as parents/adults corrupt them with our limited perception of reality where we consider nothing or no one except self and sooner or later, children pick up on/learn  this spiteful nasty way of living and treating each other as humans let alone other life forms and above all self.

I realized how in my mind, when I was imagining the experience of kite flying, the anticipation, here within my mind, I felt I was really in control of how everything was going to go and how I was going to eventually experience myself as happy, having fun etc. I imagined how I was going to control the whole moment so that we can all meet my desired anticipated outcome. when my anticipation and imaginations met the physical reality, it stood no chance in terms of control. It was obvious that, in as much as I felt in control in my mind and how I was going to control the Physical, this simply was invalid. everything within this moment became so unpredictable and the outcomes I kept getting were not in alignment with my perceived desire of controlling the whole moment of flying a kite and my experience there of. Here, it was obvious that, one can not control the physical reality in terms of an imaginary process to create a certain outcome like I did. an imaginary process is simply an imaginary process, its not real and therefore, it can not stand within and as the reality that is so physical and furthermore so unpredictable and thus its really meaningless to even try to impose onto the physical my imagination/desire and anticipation of a particular outcome like how I imagined a smooth kite flying adventure without considering the physical reality of both the weather and the children and where we were etc. there was very little wind for starters and i couldn't even see through all my perceptions and judgments

So I made a decision to learn about how to fly a kite, when and where to fly a kite, to look up good quality kites and even how we can create our very own home made kite. I decided to go out again to fly a kite with the kids but this time, want to ensure that, I am not separate from physical reality by anticipating or imagining how it is going to turn out, I am simply going to roll with the moment. I am going to equip myself with knowledge and information on how to fly a kite by looking up on google or YouTube, then ill look for a solution to a better kite. On the actual kite flying time, ill make sure that I let go of any desires to have the kite fly a certain way and I shall also let go of any form of wanting to control my children to fly the kite 'my way or no way'. I shall simply stand with my children equal and one while we all explore kite flying, not expecting certain outcomes or anything in return but simply rolling with the physical reality and what will have to be offered for I realize that, its not really about the unpredictability of the physical reality or of being with my children, but its all about WHO I AM WITHIN IT ALL. Am I equal and one with/as the physical and all there is to it in any particular moment moving and directing myself from within to without so as to take absolute responsibility of anything and everything that steps forth from within the physical and ensure that my decision bears an outcome that is what's best for all in real time or  have I separated myself from physical reality by going into the limited bubbles of my mind where I generate illusions as perceptions, judgments, desires, anticipations, beliefs about physical reality instead of seeing physical reality simply for what it is as IS. Also, when and if I see my children exploring the kite a certain way out of the blue, I shall ensure that, I remain stable within myself and not react to what they are doing but actually join them and we do it together and within the doing, I can decide to show them how to for example remain patient and detangle themselves from the string by showing them through doing or how we can all practically work with the string which is usually very long by either tying it a certain way or cutting it so as to prevent the string from becoming a danger to the children.

In my next blog, I shall share how the practical application went.