I’ve been pushing for a while to start writing
this blog as there's just a lot to share with everyone how my journey as a mother
has transformed my life in ways I never could have imagined when I did not have
children. Two years ago, I had my first child. This was quite a challenging
time as everything was obviously new I mean the whole parenting/mothering
experience/chapter. Sometime in 2014, I had my second child and having a second
child is another ball game all together. There have been challenges, insights,
realizations, self-forgiveness, real time self-application to bring change,
many times I have gotten stuck in terms of not knowing how to direct moments
effectively to bring the best living experience for myself and my children,
other times, iv cried, fainted, had prolonged exhaustion, wanted to run away
from it all, the unpredictability of most of my days, moments etc.
So in this blog and the blogs to come, I am
going to share here how I have been walking this journey/process of slowly but
surely transforming/changing/re-programming myself from within myself to the
without, as real time applied change in my living in order to be/become the
very living example of what’s best for all from within which my children can
learn from so that, they as well can stand as the living change as what’s best
for all so that, for once and for all, I/we can cut the chains that bind us to
‘the sins of our fathers’ and bring forth a world that regards the well-being
of all life in the best way possible. After all, I must become/embody the
change I would like to see in this world. 1+1+1….it is not impossible until I
say so.
So here, I
would like to share this point that opened up today.
This
morning I woke up and I was alone with my kids. Though my partner was at home,
he was busy studying for an exam he has to undertake soon, so he could not help
me much with the kids, thus since I was caring for the children most of the
time, this is how I was alone with them. I usually have help but today being a
Sunday, it’s a day off for the help. I remember I had this heavy boredom feeling
that I pegged to not having rested well. I lingered within this experience of
myself for a while until it was too uncomfortable to ignore. I was not HERE
with my children like I would have liked to. The youngest of my daughters,
Bianca always picks up reactions quite easily and I notice this through her
behavior in the moment whereby she become fussy and couldn’t sit still in one
position to explore a toy like she usually does. It’s like, she normally enjoys
sharing play time with someone but only if that someone is completely slowed
down to here in the moment with her, if not, she fusses and wiggles her body
until this happens especially with me. I remember, I could breathe and slow
down to the moment and couple of moments later, I would get sucked right into
my boredom.
So I willed
myself to look within and see what’s happening in my mind. Here’s what I found.
I remember my partner came into the bedroom and told me that, id to care for
the kids by myself because the ones that help me were away for the morning. I thought
it was just the morning but it ended up being almost the entire day. This conversation
with my partner triggered anger within me when the help was out and stayed for
quite a long time, I became angry and
bored because someone wasn’t here to help me with the kids. The longer they
stayed, the more my reaction of boredom and anger intensified. Id backchats
like: they are probably having fun and I’m
stuck here with the kids, why are they so long out there, when will they come,
I just don’t feel like being with the kids, what a boring day?
I remember
one time, I just wanted to be a career woman and not family woman, no kids
however my reality at the moment is quite the opposite of my want. Don’t get me
wrong here, I enjoy being a mother to my children and a wife to my partner, the
reason why I wanted a career and not a marriage/children life was mainly
because of issues I has in my previous relationships which I shall share in
blogs to come.
I know that
being a mother/stay at home mom entails giving up a lot of the life I was
living before or the kind of life I would have liked to live. In my life before
kids, I travelled a lot, was outdoors a lot surrounded by single friends pretty
much doing whatever I pleased me with my time. Now, this life with kids is
quite the opposite really, whereby I’m now home with the kids a lot, my entire
life plus decisions are based on the best interest of my children hence mine. I no longer
have the luxury of travelling here and there for other reasons other than my
children mainly. My hands are full now with working as a caregiver to my family and I
see that, this routine has become so monotonous that I went into this heavy
reaction of boredom.
While
bored, I could see my body felt heavy and tired-like, like every
movement/action I made was slow due to a heavy feeling within my body. I walked
with and sat in a slouching position. My voice tonality was sucked into a
slightly high and soft pitch. There was also definitely tension on my face
whenever I spoke to my partner.
Day 2: Self Forgiveness on this topic will constitute my next blog.
Day 2: Self Forgiveness on this topic will constitute my next blog.
