Unmasking my relationship to
politics.
In the past couple of days, I have
been an emotional wreck in regards to my country’s politics.
I have been see-sawing from positive
to negative energies. I feel wronged, betrayed, suppressed, oppressed,
neglected, forced to obey, marginalized, hopeless, sad, angry, vengeful. I see
the politicians as having elevated themselves into god-like figures that are untouchable
meaning, they can basically do whatever they want and get away with it, be it
mass murder, grand thefts, corruption, intimidation etc. I see them as people
that listen to no one, people that only listen to those that will support their
self-interest ways. They are using all and whatever means to be and remain in
power at the cost of a deterioration and even loss of life/livelihoods of
others. I find them cold and heartless irresponsible humans. All these points
have led me to conjuring nasty thoughts backchats within my mind. My mind as
the thoughts, backchats, imaginations etc., is/are full of anger, hate, vengeance,
rage, spite because I feel so wronged, so taken for granted, so betrayed and inferiorized
like I am a nothing, a nobody, worthless, valueless. I feel I have lost, I am
on the losing end and want to hate on and segregate those who do not support my
political party.
I while back, I was overjoyed,
thrilled and euphoric because politically, things had gone the party I supports
way. They were happy and rejoiced over the victory and I rejoiced with them. I however
within myself knew that, this joy was going to be short-lived because it was
not real, at least not for me, for it was part of the feelings I got and get
when things go my way. I felt avenged in a way that, now finally, things are
looking better for the party I support. Part of me also knew I was playing with
fire and yet, I refused to stop myself in participating within the positive
energies. I recall very well just how much my body suffered especially my back
because of my participation in the generation of immense amounts of positive
energies. What I mean by ‘I was playing with fire’ is that, I know already
through experience that, after participating in immense positive energy, for
this to balance itself out, a time would come when I would be in the opposite
end of the see-saw i.e. negative energies/emotions.
And indeed, this day came and because
the party I support did not receive what I was expecting, I broke down almost
instantly. I went into depression and immense stress that; I was completely
unable to function in a normal way. I was so angry and enraged and I kept going
online to see if someone could provide me an answer that I would accept as
valid for me, there was none, instead, I became even more angry, enraged, depressed
and really sad. I know quite well now how depression manifests, stress as well
and yet, despite all the warning signs that I was heading down this way, I still
did not stop.
My Self-Honesty points.
Where my country is today, was
probably inevitable, this being a playout of consequences that were created a long
time ago. So, what is my stand within all this? Who am I within all this?
Well, the political situation in
Kenya right now is merely a trigger point of all the similar points I see
manifest within and as my country as the people’s minds. I am no better than
any other person holding anger, resentment, frustration, spite, vengeance, so
much HATE and Rage towards those in a political party they do not support and
the people within that party i.e. other tribes. Within me exists the truth of
me wanting to hate on certain tribes because they support a political party I do
not. I have seen and read many tribal hate points online. What exists now in Kenya is nothing but a
playout of what exists in most Kenyans if not all on an individual level but
now playing out on a national scale.
HATE is HATE, ANGER is ANGER, RAGE is
RAGE, SPITE is SPITE, etc., and these are all forms of ABUSE/Violence that
exist within all of us as Kenyans/humanity. That’s why, I can’t and will not sit
down and say, I can’t do anything about the political situation in Kenya
because here I will be self-dishonest simply because, where we are today as a
country/world is as a result of my equal contribution in the Hate, Anger, Rage,
Vengeance, Spite, Selfishness, Remorse, the Nasty Thoughts and
Backchats/internal conversations, the barbaric imaginations I/we all hoard
towards each other or towards people of a certain tribes, the irresponsibility,
the fear, the violence, the jealousy and envy I/we hoard towards one another
and so much more!
An example I want to share here is
how such emotions can wreak havoc in someone’s life using myself as an example.
I live outside Kenya, and yet, all the reactions I generated as a result of my
believes and perceptions about the Kenyan politics wreaked havoc in the people
around me e.g. my children, Partner, colligues. I normally do my best within a day in terms of
taking care of my family, working etc. but since the Kenyan election drama, I accepted
and allowed myself to get lost within the emotions and I became overly
emotional towards my partner and withdrawn from my kids. I withdrew myself from
reality and into depression because., for me, I was looking at points of escape
and emotions are the best part to escape to where I hide and blame others and
everything for my experiences. I was becoming easily angry and irritated at the
smallest of things and at one point, I even shouted at my partner who was
always there asking me to step out of my reactions and take responsibility and I
refused.
So this is what reactions will do if
they are not understood and properly directed, they will rain havoc both within
and without leading to violent outbursts, mental and physical breakdowns like depression
and stress, hopelessness, sadness, losing the will to live, losing focus of
making decisions that will support self and others the best way possible and even worse, violence and extreme cases of it.
Now going even deeper in unmasking
this point and how it exists within me and how this political situation was
just a trigger point for what already exists within me as well as everyone
else.
When I look at myself, I like to win,
we all do. Winning here would be in anything, an argument, an opinion, a game,
presidency etc. why is winning important to me/us? It’s because of the value I have
attached to winning in terms of how I feel when I win and how I feel when I lose.
So here, winning is nothing but a belief system within my mind, defined by
reactions, reactions based on my perceptions, expectations/anticipation of
reality and people accepting my way/going my way.
With winning comes a prize as a defined sense of
power and control, a superiority which I have defined as me being worthy/valued
and therefore superior than others. For example, when others accept my point of
view/opinion etc., I feel good about myself, I feel important, special, needed,
wanted, appreciated, accepted, superior in the sense that, I have power, the
power to be listened to and people accepting my opinions/advice/points of view etc.
so here basically, people that like and accept my ideas, opinions, views,
perceptions, expectations etc. are to me very important because, without them, I
cannot be these things for myself. without them I have no power and control, I have
no value since my value and power and control comes from them accepting what
I tell them and them being on my side.
We play this game on an individual
level every day, so do we have a right to point fingers? Can I sit here and you
sit there and honestly say that others are to blame for the way I/you/we are? If
I/you/we play this game on a personal level, what makes me/you/we think that,
if we had the chance to play it on a bigger scale we wouldn’t do it? How can
I/you/we be trusted to run our country together when running our own lives, WE
HAVENT GOT A CLUE and even if we did, we still want to run and hide and justify
and excuse our individual winning losing battles on a personal level where we
get angry because so and so did this to us/me/You?
Going even deeper to unmask this
relationship within my mind between me, my mind and my body. So why do I choose
to react so much? It’s because I have been believing that, I have the right to
react, that reactions are everything that defines me, that power me, that
empower me, that add to me value and worth, make me think and believe I am in
control of my life and therefore accepted and that, without reactions, I am
powerless, abnormal, disempowered, defeated, not in control, rejected, inferior,
vulnerable etc. this means to me that, I feel safe, comfortable and completely
accepted by my reactions, why?, because within reactions, I can continue
justifying and making excuses as to why, others are to blame and not me. I can
keep believing that I have power and control, be it positive or negative
energy. Meanwhile, I disregard my body, depicted very well when I am depressing
and stressed for example, where, I take quite a while before sorting myself out
in regards to my emotions, I run and hide in the comfort that comes with
emotions, the comfort of power and control, the comfort of not having to lift a
finger to actually take responsibility because apparently, others are to blame and
not me. Therefore, my body has to take the bigger burden of sorting this mess
out all on its own as I hide away within the bliss of my emotions. When my body
shows extreme pain and discomfort, then and only then do I actually move to
show an ounce of care of which in the actual sense is still based on self-interest
and not real self-care because if this care and regard was real, I would have
been more responsible in terms of self-introspection and taking
self-responsibility and not waiting until things are really bad and there’s
pain in order to do so because then, doing so in such a case becomes an act of self-interest.
So now, here I am, with my
self-honesty, seeing and realizing that, the political situation in Kenya is
not at all to be blamed for my reactions its role was that of triggering
reactions/believes/perceptions etc. of points that’s already exists within me
that I am angry towards myself about, I am sad, disempowered etc. not because
of Jubilee or Nasa, but because of my own inability to stand and direct my life
in a way that supports not only me but others as well, to create myself, my
life in a way that, when I look at my creation as myself, I can see a
reflection that is not based on self-interest but the principle of equality and
oneness, the principle of democracy within myself.
I realize that, political parties do
not have to define my worth or self-value and if they do, it simply shows that,
I have not, understood, created and lived self-value/self-worth for myself first,
it shows that, I do not value nor regard myself, I have not yet created and
lived the meaning of self-worth, hence through not having these points existent
within me, means I will always yearn and thirst for them outside of myself by
doing anything and everything in my power to have others give the value and
worth to me through actually playing very well calculated manipulative games i.e. self-politics.
I realize that, me feeling marginalized,
oppressed, abused, misused, cheated disregarded etc. is actually me showing
myself that, I am marginalizing myself, oppressing myself, misusing myself,
cheating myself, disregarding myself etc. within myself within and as the very
relationship I have towards my mind and yet, I choose to completely ignore this
about myself, I instead participate within and as my mental illusions by
joining forces with my mind and oppressing my body, making me the very
manifestation of all the things I am busy blaming the politicians for. I am the
‘president’ within myself and yet, all I have done is allow my mind to run
rampant and oppress, disregard, disrespect, abuse and misuse the body etc.
while I too take part within this abuse towards my body. Same exact things our
politicians represent, they are playing the very roles we play in our everyday
life but just that, they are currently on the spotlight. Let’s not forget that
we are our own spotlight. Our politicians are a real representation of who we
all are on an individual level. We are all power/energy hungry beasts who will
stop at nothing to get what we want in order to feel powerful, superior, recognized,
accepted, to feel good etc. even if it means that others have to lose their lives/livelihoods,
exactly what we do towards our bodies everyday as we shift between positive and
negative energies and all that’s in-between.
I realize that, the events unfolding
in Kenya politically are consequences of our past MISS-takes, Mistakes that I am
equally responsible for creating, we all are. But we have an opportunity to
learn from the MISS-takes through understanding of self first where each takes
a moment and reflects on the truth of self and each realizes that, each has a
given PRESENT opportunity to TAKE RESPONSE-ABILITY onto each’s own hands and
make decision that are not based on self-interest but based on what’s best for
all. what’s best for all is best for self. Buts it’s not always what’s best for
self means its what’s best for all. Be honest with yourself, change must be who
you are, not what you believe.
In as much as it seems terrible and
twisted, I am grateful to both Jubilee and NASA, for they have been my gift in
disguise, they have triggered me to see my relationship towards myself and politics
and a chance to actually correct it. They have supported me to see and realize
that, they are not the problem, I am, I have been all along and the beauty of
this realization is that, I can and will me my own solution first, before we
even get to bigger solutions. So, a question to all Kenyans, how has the political
situation in Kenya of late supported you to shape/change you? Are you/have you
learnt something about yourself that can support you to create a better version
of you or are you still holding on to the politics out there and forgetting all
about the politics within you? It is within all of us that politics are born,
shaped and brought to life as what we see today. So for us to change out outer
politics, we much get to see, know, realize and understand our inner politics
and how it creates our outer politics.
