Day 8: UNPREDICTABILITY - When Anticipation Meets the Physical.

On this day, I went out with the kids to fly a kite. Flying a kite is an activity I did a long time ago and just once. Back then, we made our own Kites. On a windy day, flying a kite can be really enjoyable and I wanted to share kite flying with my kids, only thing was, this day was not that windy as I had anticipated it to be.

I prepared the kids and of we went to the field, it was mildly windy. in my mind, I had created a future projection to the actual moment when I would fly the kite. I imagined how nice it was going to be, all the 3 of us running around and the kite flying high, all of us immersed in laughter as we ran with each other, after each other, after the kite etc. Once we arrived at the field which was large enough for us to fly kites, I quickly did the kite set up and had the kite ready within a short time.

A long time ago, the memory I had of flying a kite was by running really fast and this was have the kite fly high. back then it did. The kite I used was not really the best quality and so, I really do not have a reference point in my mind of what a good quality kite should look like, be like. When I shopped for this particular one we were to use on this particular day, the only aspect I considered was the cost. I went for the cheapest option available. and so I assumed, it would fly equally well.

as soon as I was ready with the kite, I held the string at the handle and began to run really fast, well, contrary to my imagination, the kite just dragged on the ground and managed to barely get off the ground. I kept running thinking it would fly higher, well, it did not. By this time, Crystal had already been really wanting to fly the kite and I did not really allow her because I wanted to fist show her how its done, her begging soon turned into crying and screaming for the kite. So I let her have it and asked her to run as fast as she could to fly the kite.

To my daughter, this was her first time to touch, see, explore a kite. she couldn't wait any longer to delve right into the 'mystery' that is a kite and she did. At first, she ran like I did, but her hand coordination was not really aligned with kite flying, I must say, neither were mine because, we both had no clue on how to best do it except by running fast which did not work. as she dragged the kite along with her as she ran, the string kept on tangling. By the time she came back to me, the string was all over and around her little body, it was more like, a string tangling adventure rather than a kite flying one. I had previously asked if she could give me the kite back so I could show her how its done and she completely refused. When I saw that the kite was  not flying with her at all, I began to feel frustrated and angry. when she refused my help, I was really irritated, frustrated and angry. I was frustrated that, the whole kiting thing was not turning out as I had expected. Soon after, the little one, my youngest, joined us and nothing fascinated her more than the long string on the kite. what I noticed is how she really went for the tangling experience within it where I saw her simply tangling her feet, hands, fingers, body etc. At this moment, I was even more frustrated and irritated because not, I was not kiting anymore but busy detangling string from the kids, from my stance, the whole experience was unpleasant/awful.

It was no where near or close to what my imagination had conjured up in my head. It was the actual opposite. The moments unfolded before me in almost the exact opposite of what I had imagined it would be. The field was mildly windy, the kite was poor quality, running is not really the only way to fly a kite, the kite dint take off/fly, I wanted the string a certain length - the kids wanted to undo the whole string and they did, I wanted to show crystal how its done by first learning quickly how to do it, I did not really learn and crystal did not allow me to show her, she wanted to explore it her own way, without PRESSURE from me to do it the 'right' way, I preferred having the string neat - I had to deal with a tangling and de-tangling mess, I wanted my children to listen to me and stop and follow my lead on kite flying - they wanted to explore this kiting thing their own way, I imagined we would have fun, run around laughing, all of us enjoying the kite and each other - I 'killed' the enjoyment by going into reactions of anger, frustration and irritation all because, the kiting thing dint go as well as I anticipated and the kids dint really make it easier with the string and crying and screaming. so I decided, I had had enough and I packed everything, strapped the kids on the stroller and left the field.

As I walked back home, I could see within myself how I had created the experience of myself within myself where by I ended up destroying all the opportunities I was presented with within kiting to enjoy myself and the children, to learn. here is how: the moment I went into Imagination and from within it projected myself into the future where I saw myself in the field enjoying kiting, this is the very moment where I separated myself from reality as my physical body and everything physical around me. I separated myself into my minds imaginations and became excited of an event that had not even happened, an event that was not real, it was an illusion I created in my mind of what reality would be like, and thus the actual separation of myself from my reality happened here in this very moment. Flying high in the realms of my imagination, completely detaching myself from physical reality, I did not consider the reality of flying a kite for the first time and with 2 babies. I did not equip myself with sufficient information on how to fly a kite through looking it up online and from here, expand my awareness and skills on all the possible considerations and outcomes of flying a kite which I would then apply in real-time in physical reality. Instead of doing all this, I just delved into an imaginary kite flying experience in my mind and went with it and when my imagination encountered physical reality, my oh my, did these 2 worlds collide. The experience of myself changed, I mean, it had to change because, my starting point was from separation all along and so I had to land back into reality but after such a turmoil within myself that included reactions of anger, irritation and frustration was all lead to an unpleasant experience of myself which was not enjoyable at all, my children did not enjoy me like this, nor could they enjoy themselves fully because I was all the time trying to manipulate how they should explore their reality which was from my starting point and they simply did not 'follow' my lead because for sure they must have seen, I was already so very lost, I did not know what I was doing, and above all, I was not HERE with them. That, it was actually I who needed to follow their lead because, they were simply HERE, rolling with the moment which included tangling and detangling themselves within the kite string and they did not react because this was happening, to them it was so fascinating.

I did Self forgiveness and some of the realizations that came through were:

I realized that, when my minds imaginations encountered the unpredictable nature of the physical reality, chaos set in within me because, I did not stand as the stability of myself within my physical body as I separated myself into my mind as imagination and thus I was not really here/equal and one with the physical to direct the unpredictable physical reality moments from within this stability, but I rather reacted to these unpredictable moments and from within these reactions, I further separated myself from what was really physically happening right in front of me, I could not see, my starting point was that of separation, I held on to my imagination, and the more I held on to it, the less and less I could embrace and roll with and enjoy the unpredictability of the physical and learn more about my physical self from it instead of reacting to it. And so here, I greatly diminished myself as the potential I would have become and lived/stood within and as to show my children through example on how to really be HERE as directive principle of ones life within the unpredictable nature of the physical reality so as to always ensure that, the outcome of IT ALL is what's best for all, nothing more, nothing less. This is the principle of equality and oneness as LIFE living HERE, making what's best for all an actual real livable measurable quantifiable reality in the physical/our world.

I realized that, because children are more aligned to/with and as the physical, they don't usually react to the physical, while observing my children in this moment, I could see that, they were not really bothered by whether the kite flew or not, whether they were tangled or not tangled in the kite string, whether it was a string mess or not. To them, dragging the kite on the ground was all there was to it in that moment, tangling and de-tangling themselves in the string was really no big deal to them, that was all there was to it. I did not see them yelling and screaming at each other for not having the kite flying or for being tangled within the kite string. The one that was busy teaching them to react to this given physical reality moment was myself. At this moment, I did not stand equal and one to the physical reality in this moment, equal and one with the entire activity or with them leave alone myself and because I was so separate, all I could teach them was based on separation of right and wrong for example, I stood as the reactions of anger, frustration and irritation towards that given reality and so I was literally teaching them that, when things don't work out in reality, that we should react and not find other ways, other solutions, we should blame the kite or the weather or each other and not take self responsibility and become directive principle of every single unpredictable physical moment and created a solution that when applied will created an outcome of what's best for all, nothing more, nothing less.

I realized that with children, one can not really anticipate or desire a certain outcome wile working with physical reality and children. This is because, children at such an early age are usually always moving, touching, exploring anything and everything physical and as a parent, my role is not to project my perceptions, judgments, anticipations, desires of a particular outcome on to them but rather to simply guide them through it all especially in terms of what can physically dangerous to them. Ironically, at the moment, my children are playing my 'role' where they sort of are the parent and I the child, because, I as the parent have separated myself from physical reality by creating all these perceptions, judgments, beliefs, desires, anticipations of a certain outcome etc. which is not only a form of self limitation but also a manipulative and spiteful way of existing if we look at it really where we project our limited separate reality as for example an imagination or a desire to manipulate reality and everything and everyone in it so as to have an outcome that is only best for me/self, to glorify self, make only self happy at the expense of countless suffering, make self seem more/important/superior/special etc. which is the main reason why our world is so messed up today because we are all separate from physical reality and locked ourselves into the bubble of our minds perceptions, judgments, beliefs, desire, anticipations, fears etc. Having observed my children, they do not live nor express themselves from within the starting point of separation, I as a parent do and this is why I must change my starting point from that of separation to that of equality and oneness so I stand as an example for my children to learn from and keep expressing themselves from within the starting point of equality and oneness as what's best for all, children are indeed Innocent/pure/harmless so to speak, until we as parents/adults corrupt them with our limited perception of reality where we consider nothing or no one except self and sooner or later, children pick up on/learn  this spiteful nasty way of living and treating each other as humans let alone other life forms and above all self.

I realized how in my mind, when I was imagining the experience of kite flying, the anticipation, here within my mind, I felt I was really in control of how everything was going to go and how I was going to eventually experience myself as happy, having fun etc. I imagined how I was going to control the whole moment so that we can all meet my desired anticipated outcome. when my anticipation and imaginations met the physical reality, it stood no chance in terms of control. It was obvious that, in as much as I felt in control in my mind and how I was going to control the Physical, this simply was invalid. everything within this moment became so unpredictable and the outcomes I kept getting were not in alignment with my perceived desire of controlling the whole moment of flying a kite and my experience there of. Here, it was obvious that, one can not control the physical reality in terms of an imaginary process to create a certain outcome like I did. an imaginary process is simply an imaginary process, its not real and therefore, it can not stand within and as the reality that is so physical and furthermore so unpredictable and thus its really meaningless to even try to impose onto the physical my imagination/desire and anticipation of a particular outcome like how I imagined a smooth kite flying adventure without considering the physical reality of both the weather and the children and where we were etc. there was very little wind for starters and i couldn't even see through all my perceptions and judgments

So I made a decision to learn about how to fly a kite, when and where to fly a kite, to look up good quality kites and even how we can create our very own home made kite. I decided to go out again to fly a kite with the kids but this time, want to ensure that, I am not separate from physical reality by anticipating or imagining how it is going to turn out, I am simply going to roll with the moment. I am going to equip myself with knowledge and information on how to fly a kite by looking up on google or YouTube, then ill look for a solution to a better kite. On the actual kite flying time, ill make sure that I let go of any desires to have the kite fly a certain way and I shall also let go of any form of wanting to control my children to fly the kite 'my way or no way'. I shall simply stand with my children equal and one while we all explore kite flying, not expecting certain outcomes or anything in return but simply rolling with the physical reality and what will have to be offered for I realize that, its not really about the unpredictability of the physical reality or of being with my children, but its all about WHO I AM WITHIN IT ALL. Am I equal and one with/as the physical and all there is to it in any particular moment moving and directing myself from within to without so as to take absolute responsibility of anything and everything that steps forth from within the physical and ensure that my decision bears an outcome that is what's best for all in real time or  have I separated myself from physical reality by going into the limited bubbles of my mind where I generate illusions as perceptions, judgments, desires, anticipations, beliefs about physical reality instead of seeing physical reality simply for what it is as IS. Also, when and if I see my children exploring the kite a certain way out of the blue, I shall ensure that, I remain stable within myself and not react to what they are doing but actually join them and we do it together and within the doing, I can decide to show them how to for example remain patient and detangle themselves from the string by showing them through doing or how we can all practically work with the string which is usually very long by either tying it a certain way or cutting it so as to prevent the string from becoming a danger to the children.

In my next blog, I shall share how the practical application went.

Day 7: I AM AN IMMIGRANT, THERE ARE SOLUTIONS TO THE CURRENT IMMIRANTS CRISIS.

Many of us have watched in the news about the outpouring of immigrants into Europe. Many of these immigrants have faced harsh conditions of travel, some of whom have lost their lives as in the case of the thousands upon thousands of immigrants that have died on the ‘waters’ of Italy for example.

Many consequences have been created with such an outpouring of immigrants into Europe. I talked to 2 immigrants now living in Switzerland (one on asylum and the other through marriage to a Swiss woman), one of the 2 came by cargo ship from the coast of Nigeria. He narrated to me how his living conditions had been back home, having 3 kids and no way to make ends meet in regards to having an income, he was forced to save the little that he was making each day over a long period of time (years) because believe it or not, these immigrants don’t get free transportation to Europe. They pay large sums of money amounting to thousand if not ten thousands of Euros. One of these 2 immigrants payed over €10,000 to the point where she had to settle down in Switzerland. Many may wonder why pay so much money and risk one’s life to come to Europe? Well, much of the money these two used was borrowed money with the hope of making a better income in Europe so re-pay back the loan. The other immigrant on Asylum came from a war tone country in Africa, she simply couldn’t survive there with her newborn child and being sick, so she gathered herself and her baby and off to Europe she came. She narrated to me that, she really wanted medical attention otherwise she would have died back in her war tone home either by being killed in the war or dying in sickness and she just couldn’t imagine her child’s life without her!

The 2 cases above depict the main reasons why immigrants leave their countries and come to Europe or other developed countries; to search for a better life in terms of earning a decent income to support their families or to escape war that many at times creates adverse consequences in a country for example, a deterioration in health care, education, poverty, displacement, disease etc. which makes the very survival of anyone threatened. Most of the human beings or life form on earth whether understood or not is currently fighting for survival in a world that has more than enough to support each and every living beings’ survival and thriving. So, where then is the problem? Why are masses ditching their countries for the ‘hope’ of finding a better life in another country?

Myself, I am equally an immigrant who moved to Europe because, I was at a point in my life where my very survival was threatened in terms of not having money. I did not have shelter that I could call home, I lived in my friends parents’ home. I barely had enough money to buy food, I couldn’t afford transport money for public transportation to attend a job interview or looks for a job. Many times, I had to choose either walking to the city to look for a job or attend an interview or buy food. One time, which was really the worst time that drove me to making the decision of migrating to Europe was when, I had just 10 Kenya shilling in my pocket (€0.10) and an orange. So here, I had to really calculate my decision with the food (the 1 orange) as well as the money, the 10 Kenya shilling. The money was only enough for transport during ‘non-rush’ hours and only half way to my destination. So I i knew that, I had to take the non-rush hour half way option and walk the rest of the way. This time I was going to a job interview. Coming back home, it was obvious, I had to walk. The hardest part was the food part because, with just one orange, I knew it was not enough to sustain my energy needs but this was all I had. So I decided to eat the orange as I walked back home because this would give me extra energy to walk the entire way to a ‘home’ that was not even mine.

This was my final Blow! My ‘hit rock bottom’ moments. So I decided to take the opportunity immigrating to Europe which in itself was quite a journey up till the point where I was now legally accepted to live and work here. A story for another day.

Unfortunately, this is not the only way that this immigrant’s crisis has directly affected my life. Last year, I tried to get my mother to come visit me in Switzerland as well as help me out with my newborn baby and spend time with my eldest child, her granddaughter. She is currently living in Oregon USA. They denied her a visa on peculiar grounds. It came as a big shock to her and myself, she was devastated, appealing was just a waste of money because the Swiss immigration did not accept my cousin to visit either. My mother has never physically been my children, her grandchildren. My children know her through skype but that’s just it. This happened because, I understand not, Switzerland has tightened its immigration laws so despite us providing all the evidence that they required from us to have a relative visit me here especially financially, they still said NO.

This immigrant’s problem is not going to go away on its own. Many countries have reacted to this problem in violent aggressive ways especially from the police. Immigrants are perceived as a threat to a countries economy, an economy is valued by its amount of money and we do know that, the more the immigrants, the more moneywill be used to solve the many consequences that come with having a largenumber of immigrants in terms of shelter, clothing, health care, education etc.  Many European countries are complaining that, they do not have sufficient funds to cater for all the immigrants needs. So humanitarians have stepped in to help but it seems like the support is not enough, can never be the end solution as many more immigrants will still risk their lives from all over the affected areas in the globe for a chance of a better survival in Europe or elsewhere.

For the EU countries to really solve this immigrants Crisis, a solutions must be brought to where the problem begins in the first place otherwise, the longer we ignore this, the worse it will become and it will not go away until the solution is brought to the people living in dire poverty where one can barely survive or in the war torn countries.

The equal Life Foundation has proposed a Living income to be guaranteed for every human being so that they can afford to live a dignified life that is free from the fear of survival which is the very fear that is driving immigrants to Europe. I would recommend everyone to investigate this proposal so we can work together in granting everyone an opportunity exist within an environment that supports every need that they require to survive in a dignified way, for is this then not ensuring that, human rights have been upheld in each and every corner or the world?

If I had a basic income guaranteed for me to meet my every need, I am certain that, my move to Europe would not have been in any way influenced my very survival being threatened. Am pretty sure if every persons needs were full taken care of within the provision of a living income for all, no one would wish to migrate from their home countries. so lets give a living income to everyone to support themselves within their home environment and the immigration crisis will end.

 

 

Day 6: STAY AT HOME MOM, SYSTEM WORKING MOM - Part 3

........The last point I would like to share here is in regards to what I recently realized I have been accepting and allowing that has been sending me into reaction mode instead of taking responsibility through changing.......

 

In the recent times, I noticed that, whenever my partner or someone mentioned that I have so much help and I’m doing nothing, I immediately went into the reaction of anger and frustration as an experience of myself within myself. At first, I blamed my partner for not seeing just how much I am responsible for in terms of raising our children. I felt he undermined and belittled my responsibilities as a mother whereby, how he working in the system perceives his responsibilities as of much more value than my responsibilities of raising our children. This honestly pissed me off that he did not recognize nor respect my efforts. To make this worse, because I have someone that helps with cleaning and at times (if needed) with children, this perception of me by others as lazy and having too much help  and too much time to do nothing increased and this only heightened my reactions of anger and frustration towards such people including my partner. They had no clue how little I slept at night only to wake up to a busy day.

I was compared many times to other mothers that have no help and yet, they can do it all alone. I tried doing this by myself, it just did not work for me, us. With little sleep and caring for children plus a big house, this took a toll on me both physically and mentally as well as emotionally. At the end of each day, I was so exhausted to do any more, in as much exhausted as I was, my reality did not allow me to rest. I had had/have an infant that needed/still needs me throughout the night. My babies are not perfect sleepers. My eldest can now sleep throughout the night but my youngest still needs me to wake up several times a night to feed her. I received books, online education on how to make a baby sleep the whole night without interruption, well, my little one digests food fast and within sometime, it’s all out and she needs to feed some more. I mean, in as much as others wanted to support me to support my daughter to sleep throughout the night, my reality was different. I stick to my reality and I support my child(ren) the best way I know how in any given moment. This quickly took a toll on my body and a few times, I had a complete burn out, others, I fainted and even once, I had to go to ER because I suddenly I couldn’t walk and my world seemed to be crashing down around me, I was petrified because I did not understand then that, this was exhaustion and thus went to ER.

But for me, what was the worst was who I was becoming towards my children. Being exhausted all the time, I became quite emotional and had anger outbursts at times. Any little thing agitated me so much, I was too tired to interact with my babies and this ‘crashed my heart’. It became quite a battle to remain stable within myself and direct my reality from within stability. I did not enjoy who I was within and hence without. I knew something had to change. My partner also being extremely busy with his work responsibilities left him little to no time to help me out. He is away almost 16 hours a day, so one can imagine how equally exhausted he gets at the end of each day. Our quality of life in terms of our relationship towards each other and our children was diminishing and so we decided to have long term help especially cleaning so I can focus only on the children. This has been a tremendous step we took towards supporting each other.

So why then am I still reacting to people perceiving me as ‘doing nothing’ even after I see clearly that, I was overriding my physical body to the extent of blacking out because of just how much was doing? Was it because I now have help and I don’t do much house work? Hmmmm…NO.

I realized that, it’s actually been because of my whole entire approach to my responsibilities as a mother. It has been who I have been within it all. Let me share here another example of myself to further elaborate this point. A while back, due to many circumstances, at some point in my life, which was after graduating from Uni, I had decided to be a career woman. I thought to myself, a husband and kids may not be a life for me unless I met a man responsible enough to be a father. This decision came because I had dated men that were quite irresponsible and so I made an assumption that, many if not all men are irresponsible, the father figures in my life were not responsible either. And so I was not willing to settle for such an irresponsible man even and thus the no marriage and not kids for me ‘theory’.

My path of chasing down my career did not prosper as one can imagine living in an environment where there’s thousands upon thousands of university graduates all aiming for a job in a jobs starved country. For over 2 years, my plan was not becoming a reality for me. I became disappointed many times. I was willing to work for any salary as I was as broke as can be! As some would say, I was flat broke. No shelter and no money for food, I walked to go for interviews as I couldn’t afford transportation by bus, I was desperate, I mean who wouldn’t be. By this time, I had met my current partner back then but I was not willing to relocate from my country because I still hoped that, I can make ends meet and embark on my career. Well, I remember there was some pressure from my partner to relocate and it wasn’t until after a few months that I gave in, found ways and means and voila, I relocated, and after a couple of months, got married and a year later, the first child was here. Before the first child, my partner and I had a mutual clear agreement that I will be a stay at home mom.

So the problem begun when I started comparing myself to my University mates. Some had gone further and acquired masters degrees, and a few even up to PhD levels. So within myself, thoughts began creeping in about if I’d made the right choice to be a mother. When I saw just how much further my friends were in their careers, I began to feel sorry for myself, I begun to diminish myself and my responsibilities as a mother. I began to perceive my parenting role as a ‘nothing’, not a job, has no reward in terms of money, career, and recognition. Id backchats like, all I do is sit and play with babies day in day out.

I had regrets on choosing to be a mother. Regret because I felt that, I had to give up so much of myself, in fact all of myself to care for another. I felt like I lost myself completely within this responsibility. I was a completely different person when my first child arrived. My life changed overnight! I felt like, my life, my freedom had been robbed. I literally felt like ‘I’ DIED. It was obvious that my reality, my life had changed completely, but yet, I was not willing to embrace this change, I wanted to push it away, far far away so that I can have ‘me’ back, my freedom back, this just happened in my mind even though my reality screamed otherwise. I imagined what my life would have been like had I succeeded in being a career woman. I kept comparing my life to that of my childless friends fully immersed in their careers or chasing one. I felt that I missed out on that life. I felt I would have become ‘so much more’ having a career as opposed to being a mother and a stay at home mother in this case.

This perception of myself as a mother as less than, inferior to the working woman, mother or not, is what has been stirring up my reactions of anger and frustration whenever my partner mentions the words, ‘you are doing nothing’.  These words resonate within myself as a mirror of how I have actually been perceiving myself within my role as a mother which has been, ‘I am just sitting around with kids doing nothing’ being a mother is nothing because I am not out there working in a system where all value is based on money and not life, thus myself as well as masses out there perceive being a mother as valueless as there is no form of monetary reward, that I am not a strong woman.

Another point I have created and held within my mind that has been influencing the perception of my role as a mother as a nothing role, is that of, associating interactions with people who work in the system, corporate system as more valuable interactions, more valuable relationships that will make me ‘get noticed’ (EGO) in comparison to interacting or associating myself with children or childlike stuff day in day out! So here again, another example of how I have diminished myself and the potential I can embody and live as the absolute point of stability of an example of what it means to raise a human being that will consider and regard all life from within the principle of equality and oneness as what’s best for all, which begins with me stopping being elsewhere and actually starting to embrace the whole responsibility of motherhood.

so, I realized that, to me the most important aspect about being a mother is who I am within myself within it all. who I am within myself while fulfilling my responsibilities of being a mother to my children be it during play time, bed time, book time, outdoors time and any other time/moment I spend with my children. I ask myself, is who I am within myself stable, HERE and ready to embrace the entire moment am with my children or am I existing elsewhere in my mind worrying about career or working in the system to make money, comparing myself with other mothers and end up competing with them on who's job/responsibilities are more valuable than the others or am I being a mother to get recognition and praise from others to boost my ego and much more. I understand that, each mother faces different responsibilities in how they care for their children.

Bottom line is, it shouldn't be about a war between system working moms and stay at home moms, but rather about who we are within ourselves as mothers and how we live and interact with our children. This is so important as this is the very point that will determine the very foundation of a child that will become the future adult as what a child will learn, will mimic/copy from us as mothers/parents/adults and therefore, we should stand and live as the best example of what care, respect and honor of another human being is all about and not make it about judgment, comparison, beliefs, perceptions etc as this only diminishes our ability and potential to live HERE as the best example our children can emulate to also become the best they can become in honoring life as themselves and others. It should be about assisting and supporting eachother to raise our children into adults that regard, honor, respect and care for the  life and all that is here, regardless of whether you work in the system of stay at home with the kids.
 

For the world exists as it does today due to our parents not having known any better and their parents not having known any better and thus from generation to generation, the sins of our fathers is what we teach our children to live by today and this is one of the major reasons why our world isn’t changing, because we as parents have not changed. For how will this world ever change if we as parents do not teach our children changes that we ourselves have and a living by? Changes that have been walked and lived in regards to what’s best for all?

Day 5: STAY AT HOME MOM, SYSTEM WORKING MOM - Part 2

Another example I would like to share here involves myself. I have been a stay at home mom and for much of this time, I know how many times I have been criticized/judged/perceived in relation to my role of a stay at home mom. The first point here I’d like to share out is that of being perceived as lazy and doing nothing because, apparently, caring/looking after a child, children is perceived as ‘no job, doing nothing’. Some people have gone to the extent of telling me, ‘but you are a stay at home mom, what do you do with all your time the whole day?, you should use all that time to enjoy yourself, have some ‘me’ time, like, to pretty yourself up’, or a statement like, ‘why do you need help with household or the kids since you are a stay at home mom, other mothers do everything by themselves’ which is an obvious way of implying that as a stay at home, I do nothing and hence should have so much time to do whatever it is that I want which is quite ironic at times as it has been implied that, I must do everything by myself as a stay at home mom because I have time (but am lazy). This here is a false perception, an interpretation of my reality as a stay at home mom that is not based on the reality of the responsibilities I have every single day of taking care of my children. In any case here, I would say that, this perception is nothing but the opposite of what I face/do every single day, I have no time to focus on other activities that don’t revolve around taking care of my children. I can create time to fulfill a certain task that is NEEDED but other than that, my commitment is towards my children, they come first in every decision I make, iv to make sure that what I say, do, is what’s best for the children and in actuality, this leaves little room for ‘me time’ as others may perceive.

Another thing I’d like to point out here is something that my mother shared with me some time back. She told me, not to be the kind of mother she was towards me/us towards my children. She mentioned that, I have the opportunity of doing better, meaning, being there fully for my children and not only this, but also to educate myself on what it entails to raise a child/children, how who we are shapes the entirety of who/what the child will live/express/become and therefore, as a parent I must change who I am within and without to stand within both word and deed as an example of what’s best for all, and as are children who

copy everything the parent/adult does, they then can copy/emulate a living/an expression of themselves in consideration of what’s best for all. I shall elaborate this point in blogs to come. Surely, the caregivers we were left under had no clue on how to raise children and so, I’d say, they raised us the best way they knew how, a way they also were raised by their parents. This may have been their ‘best’ way of doing it, but what I must elaborate here is that, most of the childhood memories I have are filled with fear/petrification of the adults back then, almost, if not all, I learnt was based on fear. My childhood was quite a tough one, filled with immense physical, mental and emotional abuse. Who I am today was shaped by going through a lot of abuse, I do not blame my caregivers/the adults or my mother as they all did not know any better, this is the only way they knew how to ‘parent’ as what they learnt from their parents, so how I shaped myself has been coming through now that I am a parent. This also I shall share in blogs to come and the process I have walked, still walking to change the patterns that I copied from my caregivers, patterns that should not be copied by my children and the future generations. So here I stand, everyday pushing myself to investigate all patterns that I accepted and allowed to shape who I am today as a parent and change myself by stopping this patterns and re-creating myself as an

expression that my children can emulate within the principle of what's best for all. So as I grew up, I ‘swore’ to myself that, I never want my children to go through what I went through, I remember saying to myself that, if I don’t have the opportunity of being a stay at home mom, then, I will not consider having children. The reason being, under caregivers, there are just mothering instincts that a caregiver cannot express to another person’s child , there are some parts/needs in a child’s life that only a mother can fulfill and in the best way possible, these needs are mainly dependent on the deep physical connection between a mother and a child. An example would be, when either of my children is sick, mothers do know that, night time is usually the time when sickness skyrockets be it fever, coughing etc., this time, I’m usually fully alert on what’s happening to my child at aphysical level. I wake up often to check on them not because I’m forced to, but because I want to and they need this support. To another, this may be a bother or may not be executed in the best way possible as support for the child. This does not make responsibilities towards my children any more or less than those of an system/office working mom.

So here really, I find it absolutely unnecessary to judge a mother or condemn her in how much she participated in her child’s life, rather than judging, condemning, the approach I would use and have used is to try and understand why a mother makes the choices she does in regards to her child(ren) and then from there, assist and support in the ways that I can, this way, as mothers, we would be much more effective in how we fulfill our responsibilities in regards to our children without having to bear the burden of harsh judgments/perceptions from each other which in turn influence the potential of who we can become in terms of parenting. Wouldn’t it be best for us to stop judging, condemning, persecuting, diminishing each other’s responsibilities towards our children and instead focus on understanding each other, the decisions we make and from within the understanding assist and support each other through ideas, suggestions etc. on how we can be better/best mothers to our children? This comparison and competition of stay at home moms and system working moms is completely unnecessary because, the one who comes/should come first in our decisions is what’s best for our children and not whose job is more demanding, more valuable or who does more than the other.

The last point I would like to share here is in regards to what I recently realized I have been accepting and allowing that has been sending me into reaction mode instead of taking responsibility through changing. This in my next blog.

 

Day 6: STAY AT HOME MOM, SYSTEM WORKING MOM - Part 3

 

Day 4: STAY AT HOME MOM, SYSTEM WORKING MOM - Part 1

There have been countless opinions/perceptions in our world in regards to being a stay at home ‘working’ mom or a system working mom. A while back, I encountered posts on social media targeting either group of women or both. The comments themselves were made out of self-defense whereby, either of the woman defends her status of ‘work’ as of more or less value than the others’. This debates went on and on and I could see just how much of an emotional turmoil this point did trigger within the mothers. The system working mom perceives her nature of work/responsibility as very challenging because they must work both in the system during the day and be a mother to the children at home in the evenings and most of these mothers have the common assumption that, a stay at home mom has so much time on her hands to do pretty much what she wants and caring for the kids is not of so much value mainly because there is no reward in the form of an income at the end of the day. Another common perception is that, stay at home moms are lazy because they do not work in the system to become ‘independent’ women because in this equation, the man/husband takes care of all the financial needs of the household and everyone in it. Another perception is that, a stay at home mom is a waste of potential of who/what the woman/mother could have become if only she worked in the system.

Meanwhile, the stay at home mom perceives the system working mom as unfortunate in that, she has to leave her kids under the care and supervision of another person which in itself may be consequential to the child especially if the caregivers are not really as passionate in caring for the child as the own mother can. A stay at home mom at times thinks/perceives that, it is irresponsible of a system working mom to put career and money as first priority and mothering/parenting in the lesser priority category.

So there’s obviously this internal and external fight/conflicts among stay at home moms and system working moms. But does it really have to be a war? Does parenting have to be about competition on whose responsibilities are more valuable or should it be about the support of another being/child in the best way possible? What is being a mother then all about? What circumstances have we accepted and allowed both within and without that have shaped the very perceptions about raising children/being parents/moms/mothers? How can we as mothers stand up and step out of these self-created illusions as the perceptions/opinions/judgments we have created towards ourselves and towards each other as the responsibilities that entail being the best possible example for your child to emulate? How can we assist and support each other through sharing and uplifting each other instead of fighting through comparison and competition?

Let me open up these points further by going through some typical examples of a system working mom and a stay at home mom:

My mother was a system working mom, from what I see now, one of the reasons that she did this was because she had us 4 kids (later 5) and she had to fulfill the responsibilities of being a single parent to us. She had to ensure that, all our basic needs were met and the only way she could do this was by getting much more education and thus land a better job in the system to afford paying for all our needs. Most of the times she was not physically with us as she at some point had to go abroad to study for three years and once she came back, she got a job where we could just see her and spend time with her just one day a week. This was because her job was quite far away in the city and we at this time lived in a small town, so commuting daily to her would have been a big hustle as well as expensive. So clearly here, it was practical that my mother made such choices, it was commonsensical, the system she worked in gave her no other option to ease her separation

from her children until much much later when the government gave her a government house that was much more affordable and so we were able to move to the city. So here, from this memory that I have just shared, it is obvious that, my mother, as a system working mom had to fulfill all the financial obligations that come with having not only just 1 child but 4 (later 5) children. There was no one or nothing else that gave us monetary support at this time. So, her responsibilities of mothering us were done by someone else i.e. my relatives, teachers and maids. It was not an easy upbringing with adults that had no clue on what parenting entails. These were the people that we were supposed to learn from/emulate as children, the people that we learnt from, I learnt from. People that had no education experience or background of what being a mother entails and so there was an exceptional amount of abuse physically/mentally/emotionally. The caregivers always threatened not to tell my mother, or bribed us with candy if we don’t tell of the abuse, and so we never told.

So in this example, it was obvious that my mother needed to work in order that she earns some income/money to fulfill our basic needs. Here her role as a mother was not more or less, just different because in her circumstances, as a single mom, she had to, so if I judge/perceive her as having been uncaring, irresponsible and a bad mother for neglecting/leaving us under the care of others and not physically being there for us/with us, I would be self-dishonest. This are exactly some of the judgments/perceptions that are passed on to system working mothers.

Next blog: Day 5: STAY AT HOME MOM, SYSTEM WORKING MOM - Part 2

Day 3: WHEN IT GETS BORING - Part 3

SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS.

Here I’m going to share the realizations of how I would have opted to walk my day instead of reacting to it.

I realize that, my responsibility as a mother/parent is as full time as it can ever get and therefore, the only way I can actually remain stable within this responsibility is by embracing it fully within and as the understanding that, my children as young as they are, fully depend on me in every way at this stage and hence, I cannot offer them the best care possible if I perceive them as a bother at times or if I perceive being with them as boring, because, it is from within such perception that I become ineffective as a mother by not fulfilling my responsibility in the best way possible like for example how I rush through play time with the kids, or how I am not fully here in a given moment to actually share and enjoy myself with them and they with me or how at a certain moment I just wanted to have them quiet so I can ‘entertain’ myself within and as my mind.

Thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to walking my process of embracing fully each moment I am with myself as well as my children, completely slow myself down to within and as my breathing so that I can clearly see who I am within the participation of whichever activities I do with my children so that, they as well can remain stable within themselves as they keep expressing themselves in the physical reality. From within this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when and as I see myself about to drift away into my mind where I create all the different perceptions of my reality e.g. boring, too much etc., I shall stop and breath and will not allow myself to participate within such perceptions, by breathing, ill slow myself down and look within and as my mind to see what I am accepting and allowing as thoughts, backchats, imaginations fantasies, reactions, memories that sabotage my ability to directly access and direct myself in my reality in making choices that are based on the best interest of all e.g. my children hence myself.

I realize that, by talking to myself in my mind/back chatting/internal conversation like they are probably having fun and I’m stuck here with the kids, why are they so long out there, when will they come, I just don’t feel like being with the kids, what a boring day?, I actually separated myself from physical reality as the moments that were unfolding/I wasn't here with myself as my physical body nor my children but in my mind, from within talking to myself in my mind/back chatting, I ended up creating the reactions of anger, irritation, frustration and impatience which lead to me experiencing myself within and as boredom and thus my outward perception of the day being boring and spending time with my children as boring.

Thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when and as I see myself about to participate within my mind within and as my backchats/internal conversations, I shall stop and breath and will not participate any further within these mind games so that I don’t end up generating any reactions which only veil my physical reality and my ability to face this reality and direct myself as it from within and as the stability of the physical as my breath and body. if and when I’m aware that reactions are about to come up or have come up within me, then I shall realize that, it is already too late and that, I’ve already participated within my minds thoughts or back chats/internal conversations and therefore, at this moment, I shall still breath, bring myself back to stability and identify what it is that I was busy participating in within my mind that lead to my reactions and apply real time self-forgiveness so as to release myself from the energetic experiences of myself as anger, irritation, boredom, impatience etc. to thus, face and be completely tHERE with my children to assist and support them the best way possible.

I realize that, when someone speaks and I immediately go into a reaction state like when my partner mentioned that the help was away for the day and I went into my mind and participated within all the backchats and reactions, I became bored within my mind and lived this boredom out into my physical reality as all the reactions especially impatient and irritation, annoyance. My partner’s statement simply acted as a trigger/highlighter for a point/mind construct/a program that already exists within my mind and I simply accepted and allowed myself to participate within the point/mind construct/program and brought it to life by further living and experiencing it in my physical reality as my body and my environment.  From within and as this experience of myself, I diminished my ability to assist and support my children effectively especially through play and just spending time with them thus diminishing their ability and potential to explore their reality and express themselves effectively like for example, when I just wanted to sit down and also put them in a static position so I don’t have to move much, I limited their ability to move and explore and share themselves with each other and with me. I also diminished the potential of the relationship I could develop with them, and them with me, and each other, a relationship based in mutual support and care, communication and understanding, an equal and one relationship.

Thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to take/live responsibility for what I accepted and allowed within and as my mind i.e. thoughts, backchats, imaginations that lead me to participate further within the reactions of anger, irritation, frustration, impatience and even annoyance which further fueled my experience within and as boredom.  I commit myself to investigating all points that lead/led me to such experience of boredom as a way of taking self-responsibility and thereof, write, apply self-forgiveness, map for myself through commitment statements on how will apply myself in real time to actually stop and direct/reprogram /re-create myself in any given moment so that once and for all, I can create real physical change as a living and application of myself as what’s best for all.  

I commit myself to assist and support myself to change my starting point from that of reactions into that of being here with my children, fully present and aware of myself and them, as them, aware of our interaction with each other, our communication, our movements, our sharing of each other, our different expressions through play , exploration, sounds etc. for I realize that, it is actually through who I am within and as my awareness that I will be able to completely immerse myself in any given moment with my children that I will be able to see and embrace the gifts of who they are which will in turn expand my potential of becoming the very living example as what results doing/supporting them from within the principle of what’s best for all can yield, hence gifting back to them the potential to expand themselves as life through their expression/living which will in turn expand the potential to create and develop a relationship based on real communication and understanding of one another.

I realize that those that support me with household and the children also need their day off according to our agreement and thus there was no need for me to react to them taking the day off but rather be content and abide by this agreement without creating any perceptions about it that only lead me to perceive the agreement as more than what it is in reality hence the reactions.

Thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to, next time, when help has the day off, I shall not go into reactions or create any ideas/perceptions about their being away but just remind myself that, it is per our agreement that they get a day off for self and thus no need to react but rather ground myself within and as the agreement.

 

 

I commit myself to assist and support myself to create some time to spend with/by myself through for example taking a bath, going for a walk, singing or dancing etc so that, I can also be with my body, take care of it for I have realized that, at times, I have not taken time to care for myself effectively as most of my time is consumed by caring for my children. Therefore, I commit myself to organize and plan this time for myself and ensure that, when I have this time for me, I do not compromise my children’s comfort and well-being in any way whatsoever by ensuring that, they are comfortable and someone is there looking after them for the time I’m by myself, 0.30 - 1 hour every 2 days, subject to change depending on the situation with myself and the children i.e., when they need me more, I’ll be there for them more and when I have an opportunity to have more time for myself, I shall take it i.e., when they nap or are out for a walk/play/park with someone else e.g papa :D.

Day 2: WHEN IT GETS BORING - Part 2.

SELF-FORGIVENESS STATEMENTS:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat they are probably having fun and I’m stuck here with the kids, to exist within and as me.

From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the responsibility I have towards my children as a burden, as a boring life and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at this moment not take my responsibility seriously in terms of doing everything to my best ability so that my children can enjoy the best possible outcome.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that, when I am actually caring for my children from the starting point of boredom, I will actually not be effective in how I handle them and how I respond to their needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat of why are they so long out there, when will they come? To exist within and as me. From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate even more reactions as energy of anger and boredom within myself which then lead to the experience of myself as being bored and impatient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the accumulation of energy through my reactions of holding on to this back chat why are they so long out there, when will they come? Lead me to actually living impatience in my moments whereby I felt I should rush through activities with my children so that I can finish fast and be by ‘myself’.

From within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that, in that moment, I was alone in the room with my children and that there was no way I could be by myself and the perception I created of being ‘alone’ even when my children were with me was just an illusion I created in my mind which actually diverted my attention to my mind and not my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate the emotion of anger and irritation when those that support me with my children and the home were away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive being away from my children as boring while imagining those that are away from my children as having a lot of fun and leaving me ‘stuck’ with the kids.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that, my children are my responsibility full time with or without support and hence, rather than reacting to this full time responsibility , I should simply and firmly embrace it completely and care for my children in the best way possible.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, backchats and reactions should never stand in my way of actually being here for myself and my children for they veil my ability to see reality for what it is and thus affect my potential of really being tHERE for my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that, by rushing through reality with my children, I ended up actually missing the little moments when my children simply needed me to be here and play with them, or communicate with them, or observe their expression in that moment which was actually a separation point between me and my children.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my children in the moment when I decided to instead participate in my minds back chats/internal conversations and the reactions thereof where I ended up not paying attention to myself and them/ as myself as all my attention was channeled into and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my responsibility as a mother as less that what it actually is in any given moment and perceiving those that have time to ‘have fun’ as more than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat I just don’t feel like being with the kids, from within which I generated an experience of boredom which was fueled by the emotions of anger, irritation and impatience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be away from my children because I in this particular moment had felt that I had had enough just being around them throughout.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want support with my children to a point where I can see it is creating some form of unnecessary dependency. From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the perception that I must have support from another in order to care for my children effectively not seeing realizing and understanding that this is actually a form of self-sabotage whereby I limit myself in the ways I move and fulfill my responsibility towards myself and as a mother in a way that will support my children and hence myself in the best possible way within the principle of what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage/limit my ability and chance to be/become a mother that offers support to the utmost of my potential to ensure the well-being of those that absolutely depend on me in almost all ways e.g. my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat/internal conversation ‘what a boring day’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have boredom exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the experience of myself from within this backchat whereby, I was possessed in the experience of boredom most of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through my reality whereby I did not pay attention to the Nitti gritty details of being there for myself and my children because I felt that, It was boring for me to be existing in such a reality in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use boredom as an excuse to not walk/do my responsibilities to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive reality through the ‘glasses’/veil of boredom which actually limited me from embracing myself and my children unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical reality by shifting all my attention into my mind and the creation of boredom thereof which is actually a form of self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as boredom since the time I woke up in the morning whereby, I just dint feel like moving myself to begin my daily activities but I had to since I was alone with the kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk through my morning activities from the starting point of boredom whereby, I felt like I had to push myself to fulfill my responsibilities in regards to my children and my home instead of simply embracing the moment fully and doing my responsibilities to the best of my ability without reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the statements from my partner as a trigger point for me to begin my day in the reactions of slight anger and the experience of boredom.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually direct myself by moving myself out of the boredom energetic state, from within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fully possessed within and as my mind as boredom.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequences that my reactions impacted on my children whereby they became agitated, fussy, clingy and whiny because I simply did not stand up and put an end to my participation within the backchats in my mind that lead me to reacting and living boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this moment not stand up and take responsibility absolutely to the point where I remain stable as I interact with my children so that they as well can be stable within the expression of themselves.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand equal to and as one within and as the change I would like my children to emulate/learn from, as the act of standing up for life within the principle of what’s best for all so that they too can stand up for life from within themselves and apply the same principle. From within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that, I can actually not see and direct myself within my reality effectively from the starting point of thoughts backchats, reactions, perceptions/judgments of a given moment because then I will miss out on considering all people and parts of my reality and hence will not make a decision that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that, I, just like any other parent and adult are the society that set the very example that our children emulate just like our parents and their parents and the previous generations did, be it immediate or secondary and thus it is every parents’ and individual responsibility to ensure that we stand up and change who we are from within whereby we consider what’s best for all and live what’s best for all so that we can pass this on to our children and the generations to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate the stability of my physical body to instability when I used the experience of boredom within myself to physically slouch when I walked or sat and when I changed the tonality of my voice to a soft high pitch, when I slowed down the pace of the movement of my body due the heavy feeling I felt within myself as boredom.

 

Day 3: WHEN IT GETS BORING - Part 3,  Self-commitment statements. To be continued.....

Day 1: WHEN IT GETS BORING - Part 1.

I’ve been pushing for a while to start writing this blog as there's just a lot to share with everyone how my journey as a mother has transformed my life in ways I never could have imagined when I did not have children. Two years ago, I had my first child. This was quite a challenging time as everything was obviously new I mean the whole parenting/mothering experience/chapter. Sometime in 2014, I had my second child and having a second child is another ball game all together. There have been challenges, insights, realizations, self-forgiveness, real time self-application to bring change, many times I have gotten stuck in terms of not knowing how to direct moments effectively to bring the best living experience for myself and my children, other times, iv cried, fainted, had prolonged exhaustion, wanted to run away from it all, the unpredictability of most of my days, moments etc.

So in this blog and the blogs to come, I am going to share here how I have been walking this journey/process of slowly but surely transforming/changing/re-programming myself from within myself to the without, as real time applied change in my living in order to be/become the very living example of what’s best for all from within which my children can learn from so that, they as well can stand as the living change as what’s best for all so that, for once and for all, I/we can cut the chains that bind us to ‘the sins of our fathers’ and bring forth a world that regards the well-being of all life in the best way possible. After all, I must become/embody the change I would like to see in this world. 1+1+1….it is not impossible until I say so.

 

So here, I would like to share this point that opened up today.

This morning I woke up and I was alone with my kids. Though my partner was at home, he was busy studying for an exam he has to undertake soon, so he could not help me much with the kids, thus since I was caring for the children most of the time, this is how I was alone with them. I usually have help but today being a Sunday, it’s a day off for the help. I remember I had this heavy boredom feeling that I pegged to not having rested well. I lingered within this experience of myself for a while until it was too uncomfortable to ignore. I was not HERE with my children like I would have liked to. The youngest of my daughters, Bianca always picks up reactions quite easily and I notice this through her behavior in the moment whereby she become fussy and couldn’t sit still in one position to explore a toy like she usually does. It’s like, she normally enjoys sharing play time with someone but only if that someone is completely slowed down to here in the moment with her, if not, she fusses and wiggles her body until this happens especially with me. I remember, I could breathe and slow down to the moment and couple of moments later, I would get sucked right into my boredom.

So I willed myself to look within and see what’s happening in my mind. Here’s what I found. I remember my partner came into the bedroom and told me that, id to care for the kids by myself because the ones that help me were away for the morning. I thought it was just the morning but it ended up being almost the entire day. This conversation with my partner triggered anger within me when the help was out and stayed for quite a long time, I became angry and bored because someone wasn’t here to help me with the kids. The longer they stayed, the more my reaction of boredom and anger intensified. Id backchats like: they are probably having fun and I’m stuck here with the kids, why are they so long out there, when will they come, I just don’t feel like being with the kids, what a boring day?

I remember one time, I just wanted to be a career woman and not family woman, no kids however my reality at the moment is quite the opposite of my want. Don’t get me wrong here, I enjoy being a mother to my children and a wife to my partner, the reason why I wanted a career and not a marriage/children life was mainly because of issues I has in my previous relationships which I shall share in blogs to come.

I know that being a mother/stay at home mom entails giving up a lot of the life I was living before or the kind of life I would have liked to live. In my life before kids, I travelled a lot, was outdoors a lot surrounded by single friends pretty much doing whatever I pleased me with my time. Now, this life with kids is quite the opposite really, whereby I’m now home with the kids a lot, my entire life plus decisions are based on the best interest of my children hence mine. I no longer have the luxury of travelling here and there for other reasons other than my children mainly. My hands are full now with working as a caregiver to my family and I see that, this routine has become so monotonous that I went into this heavy reaction of boredom.

While bored, I could see my body felt heavy and tired-like, like every movement/action I made was slow due to a heavy feeling within my body. I walked with and sat in a slouching position. My voice tonality was sucked into a slightly high and soft pitch. There was also definitely tension on my face whenever I spoke to my partner.

Day 2: Self Forgiveness on this topic will constitute my next blog.