THE FOLLOWING SERIES OF BLOGS I AM ABOUT
TO SHARE IS IN NO WAY INTENDED TO SPEW REACTIONS OR POINT BLAME TO THE ADULTS I
INTERRACTED WITH DURING MY CHILDHOOD BE IT MY CAREGIVERS, TEACHERS OR ANY OTHER
ADULT BACK THEN. WHEN I LOOK BACK AT
MY CHILDHOOD AND WHAT I WENT THROUGH, IN HONESTY, IT IS SOMETHING THAT I
WOULDN’T HAVE WISHED TO GO THROUGH, BUT IN SELF-HONESTY, I AM GREATFUL THAT, I
WENT THROUGH SUCH A LIFE AND MADE IT OUT ‘ALIVE’ AND HERE TO SHARE THIS PART OF
ME ON HOW I TOOK, STILL TAKING RESAPNSIBILITY FOR MYSELF BY INVESTIGATING
EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO SHOW AND PROVE TO MYSELF AND OTHERS THE IMPORTANCE OF
WHY SUCH A WAY OF RELATING TO CHILDREN
WAS AND IS NOT WHAT WAS BEST FOR ALL AND THEREFORE SHOULD SIMPLY BE
UNNACCEPTABLE WAY OF LIVING/EXISTING/CO-EXISTING AND RELATING TO CHILDREN AND
THAT, ALL OF US ON AN INDIVIDUAL AND COLLECTIVE LEVEL ACTUALLY CAN TAKE
RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHO WE ARE, HAVE BECOME AS A RESULT OF OUR UPBRINGING AND
FROM HERE RE-CREATE OURSELVES INTO HUMANS OF INTERGRITY THAT VALUE AND UPHOLD
LIFE ABOVE ALL ELSE. SO HERE, I WILL TAKE MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES OF WHAT I FACED
DURING THAT TIME AND INVESTIGATE IT, SEE MY RELATIOSHIPS TO IT, APPLY
SELF-FORGIVENESSAND RECREATE MYSELF THROUGH COMMITMENT STATEMENTS THAT I SHALL
LIVE TO BECOME THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE.
For a while
now, I had been pondering on how exactly I was going to face this point of
childhood memory(ies). I have kept on suppressing this point or walked only
‘surface’ dimensions of it, all the while approaching it from a starting point
of separation meaning, within my mind, I kept on seeing this memory(ies) as too
big for me to handle/face, to challenging or complicated or overwhelming. All
these are the 3 excuses I made up in my mind in regards to this memory(ies) because,
it is from this memory(ies) that I have come to exist as who I exist within and
as today, this memory(ies) has infiltrated almost if not all of what/who I have
defined myself as today, it has infiltrated so much into my physical living
that, my actions became so automated that I came to accept as a ‘normal’ part
of who I am until I began questioning all my experiences as shown by my mind
and body and with the help/assistance and support of the desteni tools, I could
see clearly that I am actually more than capable to standing as a point of
self-responsibility and face these memories and correct myself through my
living as the application of myself/movement of myself within my physical
reality in order to impart change that will bear only the best outcome. I have
come to realize and understand that, real change is not a mental process, it is
a physical process within space and time as the constant and continuous process
of living a change as self, moment to moment until it is done. So I shall share
here how I have walked some process and still walking other processes in
regards to my childhood and how it shaped my life today as a human being, but
most importantly, AS A PARENT.
WRTTING OUT THE 'BIG/ONE' MEMORY
As far back
as I can remember, most of my childhood was filled with a lot of physical,
mental/emotional and verbal abuse some more extensive than others. I am sure
that, most of us humans, our childhood is marked by one or more forms of abuse from
the adults that meant to be our source of care and security. I do not know the
stories of everyone else. What I do know is my story and here I am going to
share/walk this point/story/ memory(ies) in self-honesty and really take
responsibility for what I accepted and allowed myself to become as a result of
these memory(ies) and from here, walk the correction in my living, moment to
moment until it is done. I am doing this for me because I am and want to live
change I want to see, because I also want to ensure that, my children learn
from me through me living as an example which is a point of showing that I
never had the privilege of receiving as a child.
so here I
shall share the extent of this fear in my life. But first, I am going to write
about how I came about creating this fear/petrification within myself and why.
Just to
stress this point I AM THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FEARS BECAUSE THEY EXIST
WITHIN ME, AS ME NOW. This is to show that I HOLD NO BLAME, ANGER, REVENGE, REMORSE or any
other REACTIONS towards all the adults in my childhood that may have directly
or indirectly contributed to my childhood experience(s). I am taking
responsibility for my part as should everyone else as what one accept and allow
because this is how we create who we are or have come to be. Also PLEASE, do
not REACT to what I am sharing because, reactions I have come to realize and
understand always veil the point of being responsible for oneself i.e.,
reactions indicate a point of BLAME and as long as one BLAMES, one will never
step beyond the point of blame and see how actually one is the only one
responsible for everything about who one exists within and as today and unless
one lets go of the point of blame, one can never change for REAL, as one CANNOT
SEE change and this is why our world without is a picture perfect
representation of THE SUFFERING that is
going on within us, a world we keep escaping through blaming other for what’s
going on with us.
So, I had
quite a violent childhood, what I mean by this is that, in as far back as I can
remember, the adult’s relationship towards me and my brethren (but ill focus on
me for now) was that of violence. This may get graphic as I share so please no
reactions, no blame, only learning, lol. I faced beatings that once got me
hospitalized for many days. Within this memory, most of my days were filled
with some kind of abuse, either mental/emotional, verbal or physical abuse and
mostly it was all of them in a day.
My parent separated
when I was quite young, maybe around 3-4 years old and my mother had to go away
in another country to study as she then became the sole provider of our needs.
So, she left us with other care givers that were mostly never kind to us. The
schools I attended in those early years, physical abuse of all children was
like the highest and best form of punishment. Not matter how small or big the ‘mistake’
was, the abuse would at times be just barbaric and this was not only physical
abuse through caning, but verbal abuse was rained down on me or the child to
emotionally tear the me or another child apart in fear as the I/child was being
caned. This was considered normal. But how? Why? Ill open this up as I continue
sharing.
The only
time I remember sharing and expressing myself fully was only when I was playing
with other kids in an environment where there was no adult at ALL! why? Because
I created an extreme fear/petrification towards adults. To an adult, I never
really met one that was genuine within themselves and even if they were being
nice at times, it was always out of self-interest. To the eyes of an adult, I
never did anything ‘right’, to them I knew nothing, I was a no body, I was only
a trouble maker just like every other child. Everything I did, I was told not
to because it was wrong and how I was told not to do it was in some form of
abuse, no one ever really went to the extent of really showing me anything. At
school, the teachers just taught us the curriculum and if one would be slow in
‘learning’, well, the child would be abused mostly physically. Here are some of
the ways physical abuse was conducted:
·
Caning on the palms
of the hand with a really strong hard wooden stick.
·
Caning on the back
of the fingers with the same stick, here the fingers and palms of the hand
would swell really bad and of course be in excruciating pain but it did not
matter to the teachers, I/one was still expected to write through all the pain
and agony and if not, more caning
·
Caning on calf
muscles of the legs at times until they bled, this left marks/scars that took a
long time to heal.
·
Caning on the soles
of the feet and this would lead to difficulties in walking because of the
excruciating pain but either way, I/one couldn’t just lie there, I/one had to
walk or else, more caning.
·
Caning on the back
and this for me was one of the most painful and most sensitive area of my body
to cane as well as caning the back of the fingers and knuckles. (within this
point comes a lot of sadness that bring tears to my eyes)
·
Caning the lower
back and buttocks too was the most common form of caning.
·
Caning the thighs
and this area being so sensitive, most of the time I ended up bleeding which
left some scarring or rather marks that did fade slowly over time.
·
Being punched or
slapped on the face or anywhere else on the body
·
pushing,
·
pinching and biting as there was one specific adult that would bite me or other children to the point of always leaving torn skin and teeth marks.
·
hitting
·
violent shakes
·
being beaten by a
hose pipe
·
being punched
·
and there were
times when the adult(s) would get fully possessed by an emotion especially
anger and would just randomly kick, slap, cane, hit, pinch, punch, shake, push
back and forth or up and down freely or against something and these blows would
be directed anywhere on the body! Here, there was no telling when this would
end or stop, there was not telling how hard the next blow or punch or whatever
would be and where. This to drove me into total petrification, I was so afraid
at times that I peed myself. It was equally agonizing to watch this happen to
another child, and even worse, was when we as children would be forcefully
asked to physically cane each other and within this, use all our force towards
the other child or else, the adult would take over and rain their terror on the
child that would not forcefully abuse the other through caning.
As I allow
this memory to come up within me, with it comes a lot of pain, I cry, I cry so much, there is
so much pain and sadness, so much fear and petrification, so much anger within
the adults faces and body, I felt disrespected, disregarded, hopelessness, a
giving up on MYself, a total surrender to abuse and the fear thereof, I felt like
a reject, a nobody, useless, as the verbal abuse ensured of this. I knew of no
other life. I always wondered why this was happening, why this was considered
‘normal’. A part of me did not want to be a child any more, I wanted to be seen
and referred to as an adult but this was just wish thinking.
I had to
stop and take a break from writing because, suddenly, I felt like my mind/head
region was going to explode due to so much pressure building up there and then
followed by a nasty headache. I was shivering and shaking/trembling, my heart
beat was racing, I was sweating at the same time feeling really cold/chills
running all over my body, I was a bit dizzy and disoriented, I became agitated
and jumpy. This cold chills, shaking and trembling all over my body was because
of the immense fear that was contained in this memory, and here is when I
realized that, I was actually so afraid of these memories because of this very
fear contained in them ie I had fear toward my fear of being abused and thus,
why I preferred to suppress and resist this memory plus many points in in my
life.
I could see
anger within this memory that came up when I asked myself ‘why do these people
just never stop abusing me/other children?’ the backchats I could see like to
them, I am invisible, a nobody, a nothing, useless, non-existent and that is
why I am being abused also contained lots of anger. More anger also came about
when this backchat (which I shall explore more in future blogs) ‘to them (the
adults) I can never do anything right, everything I do is wrong and therefore,
punishable through physical abuse, and I always asked, why won’t anyone show me
then what is right? Soon after, a flood
of sadness followed and I felt the urge to not talk to anyone, I just wanted to
be left alone and immerse myself in this sadness. For a moment there, I wanted
to get lost within this sadness because it felt ‘comforting’ embracing in a
way, like I just want to shut down the world around me and just be sad because
for a moment there, it seemed like there was nothing to live for and everything
felt better within my sadness. Within this sadness, I saw backchats like, this
will never stop, everyone is just so mean hence, I don’t want to talk to
anyone, I just want to be left alone, I wish someone would defend me/be on my
side for once. What I also see within this sadness is the fear that this abuse
will never end meaning, I felt really sad that I had to live in so much fear
all the time.
Within this
memory also exists the point of blame where, I blamed others for abusing me in
many ways. At this point in time, I just did not understand why myself and
other children would be subjected to such torture and because it happened to me
as well as every other child I knew, I presumed it was ‘NORMAL’, that this was
the only way children ought to be treated which is a point I shall expand on in
future blogs, because it turns out, the ‘abusers’ knew no better either and the
copied this behavior from their abusers i.e., this kind of abuse is very common
amongst African parents because it has been passed on from generation to
generation and it has become a ‘NORMAL’ to abuse children.
Also, the
ones that abused me were most of the time very angry people, easily irritated
and frustrated by whatever I did. They always yelled and screamed at me to stop
doing whatever they perceived was wrong according to them, none of them ever
showed me another way, a better way. I was only asked to stop but was never
told why I should stop and then offered an alternative on how I can do it
better. How it played out was, when I did something that was perceived as
wrong, first was the yelling of the words STOP/STOP THAT NONSENSE! Or WHAT ARE
YOU DOING/WHAT HAVE YOU DONE followed by some form of verbally abusive words
like YOU STURBBON CHILD, YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME, YOU ARE STUPID, YOU ARE FULL
OF SHIT, YOU ARE NOTHING, I WISH YOU WOULD DIE, YOU ASS HOLE, YOU DOG, I WILL
BEAT YOU INTIL YOU DIE, YOU COME FROM A COMMUNITY OF THIEVES SO YOU ARE A THIEF
TOO, YOU PROSTITUTE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER (my mother was not a prostitute as I
know her), YOU ARE A DEVIL, YOU ARE A DEMON, YOU ARE SO UGLY, I HATE YOU. These
words were spoken with a lot of anger, irritation, frustration, hate, remorse
which were geared to instill fear and this is the emotional abuse part after
which came the physical abuse the extent to which depended on the extent of the
adult’s mental experience, meaning, if they were really angry, the physical abuse
would be really bad and mild Anger, they it would settle for pinching or slapping or
pushing, shaking or threatening while doing one of these physical actions of 'mild abuse'.
Next blog, Day 11. FORGIVENESS.
