On this day, I went out with the kids to fly a kite. Flying a kite is an activity I did a long time ago and just once. Back then, we made our own Kites. On a windy day, flying a kite can be really enjoyable and I wanted to share kite flying with my kids, only thing was, this day was not that windy as I had anticipated it to be.
I prepared the kids and of we went to the field, it was mildly windy. in my mind, I had created a future projection to the actual moment when I would fly the kite. I imagined how nice it was going to be, all the 3 of us running around and the kite flying high, all of us immersed in laughter as we ran with each other, after each other, after the kite etc. Once we arrived at the field which was large enough for us to fly kites, I quickly did the kite set up and had the kite ready within a short time.
A long time ago, the memory I had of flying a kite was by running really fast and this was have the kite fly high. back then it did. The kite I used was not really the best quality and so, I really do not have a reference point in my mind of what a good quality kite should look like, be like. When I shopped for this particular one we were to use on this particular day, the only aspect I considered was the cost. I went for the cheapest option available. and so I assumed, it would fly equally well.
as soon as I was ready with the kite, I held the string at the handle and began to run really fast, well, contrary to my imagination, the kite just dragged on the ground and managed to barely get off the ground. I kept running thinking it would fly higher, well, it did not. By this time, Crystal had already been really wanting to fly the kite and I did not really allow her because I wanted to fist show her how its done, her begging soon turned into crying and screaming for the kite. So I let her have it and asked her to run as fast as she could to fly the kite.
To my daughter, this was her first time to touch, see, explore a kite. she couldn't wait any longer to delve right into the 'mystery' that is a kite and she did. At first, she ran like I did, but her hand coordination was not really aligned with kite flying, I must say, neither were mine because, we both had no clue on how to best do it except by running fast which did not work. as she dragged the kite along with her as she ran, the string kept on tangling. By the time she came back to me, the string was all over and around her little body, it was more like, a string tangling adventure rather than a kite flying one. I had previously asked if she could give me the kite back so I could show her how its done and she completely refused. When I saw that the kite was not flying with her at all, I began to feel frustrated and angry. when she refused my help, I was really irritated, frustrated and angry. I was frustrated that, the whole kiting thing was not turning out as I had expected. Soon after, the little one, my youngest, joined us and nothing fascinated her more than the long string on the kite. what I noticed is how she really went for the tangling experience within it where I saw her simply tangling her feet, hands, fingers, body etc. At this moment, I was even more frustrated and irritated because not, I was not kiting anymore but busy detangling string from the kids, from my stance, the whole experience was unpleasant/awful. It was no where near or close to what my imagination had conjured up in my head. It was the actual opposite. The moments unfolded before me in almost the exact opposite of what I had imagined it would be. The field was mildly windy, the kite was poor quality, running is not really the only way to fly a kite, the kite dint take off/fly, I wanted the string a certain length - the kids wanted to undo the whole string and they did, I wanted to show crystal how its done by first learning quickly how to do it, I did not really learn and crystal did not allow me to show her, she wanted to explore it her own way, without PRESSURE from me to do it the 'right' way, I preferred having the string neat - I had to deal with a tangling and de-tangling mess, I wanted my children to listen to me and stop and follow my lead on kite flying - they wanted to explore this kiting thing their own way, I imagined we would have fun, run around laughing, all of us enjoying the kite and each other - I 'killed' the enjoyment by going into reactions of anger, frustration and irritation all because, the kiting thing dint go as well as I anticipated and the kids dint really make it easier with the string and crying and screaming. so I decided, I had had enough and I packed everything, strapped the kids on the stroller and left the field.
As I walked back home, I could see within myself how I had created the experience of myself within myself where by I ended up destroying all the opportunities I was presented with within kiting to enjoy myself and the children, to learn. here is how: the moment I went into Imagination and from within it projected myself into the future where I saw myself in the field enjoying kiting, this is the very moment where I separated myself from reality as my physical body and everything physical around me. I separated myself into my minds imaginations and became excited of an event that had not even happened, an event that was not real, it was an illusion I created in my mind of what reality would be like, and thus the actual separation of myself from my reality happened here in this very moment. Flying high in the realms of my imagination, completely detaching myself from physical reality, I did not consider the reality of flying a kite for the first time and with 2 babies. I did not equip myself with sufficient information on how to fly a kite through looking it up online and from here, expand my awareness and skills on all the possible considerations and outcomes of flying a kite which I would then apply in real-time in physical reality. Instead of doing all this, I just delved into an imaginary kite flying experience in my mind and went with it and when my imagination encountered physical reality, my oh my, did these 2 worlds collide. The experience of myself changed, I mean, it had to change because, my starting point was from separation all along and so I had to land back into reality but after such a turmoil within myself that included reactions of anger, irritation and frustration was all lead to an unpleasant experience of myself which was not enjoyable at all, my children did not enjoy me like this, nor could they enjoy themselves fully because I was all the time trying to manipulate how they should explore their reality which was from my starting point and they simply did not 'follow' my lead because for sure they must have seen, I was already so very lost, I did not know what I was doing, and above all, I was not HERE with them. That, it was actually I who needed to follow their lead because, they were simply HERE, rolling with the moment which included tangling and detangling themselves within the kite string and they did not react because this was happening, to them it was so fascinating.
I did Self forgiveness and some of the realizations that came through were:
I realized that, when my minds imaginations encountered the unpredictable nature of the physical reality, chaos set in within me because, I did not stand as the stability of myself within my physical body as I separated myself into my mind as imagination and thus I was not really here/equal and one with the physical to direct the unpredictable physical reality moments from within this stability, but I rather reacted to these unpredictable moments and from within these reactions, I further separated myself from what was really physically happening right in front of me, I could not see, my starting point was that of separation, I held on to my imagination, and the more I held on to it, the less and less I could embrace and roll with and enjoy the unpredictability of the physical and learn more about my physical self from it instead of reacting to it. And so here, I greatly diminished myself as the potential I would have become and lived/stood within and as to show my children through example on how to really be HERE as directive principle of ones life within the unpredictable nature of the physical reality so as to always ensure that, the outcome of IT ALL is what's best for all, nothing more, nothing less. This is the principle of equality and oneness as LIFE living HERE, making what's best for all an actual real livable measurable quantifiable reality in the physical/our world.
I realized that, because children are more aligned to/with and as the physical, they don't usually react to the physical, while observing my children in this moment, I could see that, they were not really bothered by whether the kite flew or not, whether they were tangled or not tangled in the kite string, whether it was a string mess or not. To them, dragging the kite on the ground was all there was to it in that moment, tangling and de-tangling themselves in the string was really no big deal to them, that was all there was to it. I did not see them yelling and screaming at each other for not having the kite flying or for being tangled within the kite string. The one that was busy teaching them to react to this given physical reality moment was myself. At this moment, I did not stand equal and one to the physical reality in this moment, equal and one with the entire activity or with them leave alone myself and because I was so separate, all I could teach them was based on separation of right and wrong for example, I stood as the reactions of anger, frustration and irritation towards that given reality and so I was literally teaching them that, when things don't work out in reality, that we should react and not find other ways, other solutions, we should blame the kite or the weather or each other and not take self responsibility and become directive principle of every single unpredictable physical moment and created a solution that when applied will created an outcome of what's best for all, nothing more, nothing less.
I realized that with children, one can not really anticipate or desire a certain outcome wile working with physical reality and children. This is because, children at such an early age are usually always moving, touching, exploring anything and everything physical and as a parent, my role is not to project my perceptions, judgments, anticipations, desires of a particular outcome on to them but rather to simply guide them through it all especially in terms of what can physically dangerous to them. Ironically, at the moment, my children are playing my 'role' where they sort of are the parent and I the child, because, I as the parent have separated myself from physical reality by creating all these perceptions, judgments, beliefs, desires, anticipations of a certain outcome etc. which is not only a form of self limitation but also a manipulative and spiteful way of existing if we look at it really where we project our limited separate reality as for example an imagination or a desire to manipulate reality and everything and everyone in it so as to have an outcome that is only best for me/self, to glorify self, make only self happy at the expense of countless suffering, make self seem more/important/superior/special etc. which is the main reason why our world is so messed up today because we are all separate from physical reality and locked ourselves into the bubble of our minds perceptions, judgments, beliefs, desire, anticipations, fears etc. Having observed my children, they do not live nor express themselves from within the starting point of separation, I as a parent do and this is why I must change my starting point from that of separation to that of equality and oneness so I stand as an example for my children to learn from and keep expressing themselves from within the starting point of equality and oneness as what's best for all, children are indeed Innocent/pure/harmless so to speak, until we as parents/adults corrupt them with our limited perception of reality where we consider nothing or no one except self and sooner or later, children pick up on/learn this spiteful nasty way of living and treating each other as humans let alone other life forms and above all self.
I realized how in my mind, when I was imagining the experience of kite flying, the anticipation, here within my mind, I felt I was really in control of how everything was going to go and how I was going to eventually experience myself as happy, having fun etc. I imagined how I was going to control the whole moment so that we can all meet my desired anticipated outcome. when my anticipation and imaginations met the physical reality, it stood no chance in terms of control. It was obvious that, in as much as I felt in control in my mind and how I was going to control the Physical, this simply was invalid. everything within this moment became so unpredictable and the outcomes I kept getting were not in alignment with my perceived desire of controlling the whole moment of flying a kite and my experience there of. Here, it was obvious that, one can not control the physical reality in terms of an imaginary process to create a certain outcome like I did. an imaginary process is simply an imaginary process, its not real and therefore, it can not stand within and as the reality that is so physical and furthermore so unpredictable and thus its really meaningless to even try to impose onto the physical my imagination/desire and anticipation of a particular outcome like how I imagined a smooth kite flying adventure without considering the physical reality of both the weather and the children and where we were etc. there was very little wind for starters and i couldn't even see through all my perceptions and judgments
So I made a decision to learn about how to fly a kite, when and where to fly a kite, to look up good quality kites and even how we can create our very own home made kite. I decided to go out again to fly a kite with the kids but this time, want to ensure that, I am not separate from physical reality by anticipating or imagining how it is going to turn out, I am simply going to roll with the moment. I am going to equip myself with knowledge and information on how to fly a kite by looking up on google or YouTube, then ill look for a solution to a better kite. On the actual kite flying time, ill make sure that I let go of any desires to have the kite fly a certain way and I shall also let go of any form of wanting to control my children to fly the kite 'my way or no way'. I shall simply stand with my children equal and one while we all explore kite flying, not expecting certain outcomes or anything in return but simply rolling with the physical reality and what will have to be offered for I realize that, its not really about the unpredictability of the physical reality or of being with my children, but its all about WHO I AM WITHIN IT ALL. Am I equal and one with/as the physical and all there is to it in any particular moment moving and directing myself from within to without so as to take absolute responsibility of anything and everything that steps forth from within the physical and ensure that my decision bears an outcome that is what's best for all in real time or have I separated myself from physical reality by going into the limited bubbles of my mind where I generate illusions as perceptions, judgments, desires, anticipations, beliefs about physical reality instead of seeing physical reality simply for what it is as IS. Also, when and if I see my children exploring the kite a certain way out of the blue, I shall ensure that, I remain stable within myself and not react to what they are doing but actually join them and we do it together and within the doing, I can decide to show them how to for example remain patient and detangle themselves from the string by showing them through doing or how we can all practically work with the string which is usually very long by either tying it a certain way or cutting it so as to prevent the string from becoming a danger to the children.
In my next blog, I shall share how the practical application went.
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